Restless Pursuit of Life...Something Like That

Thoughts

2010-07-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

"When you've totally dedicated yourself to your art you feel like you see the outside world from a bubble. You see the beautiful, popular people who look like they just have fun all the time and aren't stressed out like you and everyone loves them. It's pretty cool when they want to be your friend too."

This is the first time I've really processed that. I was just talking with a friend who is under some pressure right now, trying to make a decision about studying abroad and feeling torn between doing something he's always wanted to do, while at the same time feeling like he has just become something he has always wanted to be.

I don't know who feels this way or why. I don't know if it has to do with our social interaction when we're young, our mind development, or just our perception of people, but that first paragraph is the description of my life from age 10-17. Of course, I'm sure hormones and such played some role in all of that mess, but I always felt like I was missing out. In high school I would see the girls whom I thought everyone loved and wanted to hang out with and envied them because I didn't have the chance to be their friend even if I wanted to -- I had dance. "Hey Liz want to come to our sleepover," "Sure, but I have to leave early because I have dance in the morning." I wasn't a part of a team that was always together. My team was my friends from dance and things were great until I decided to switch studios and leave them all behind. I always say I have no regrets, but actually I do have one. I wish I had never left BalletMet. I wish with all of my heart that I had stayed just to enjoy my senior year and spend time with the women I truly cared about.

I sacrificed a great deal of things to try and become a part of the elite group I so longed to join. My morals, my reputation, my true friends. And in the end the bottom line was that it didn't make me happy at all. In fact it made me hate my life and the person that I had become. I realized I had been one of those girls that everyone loved. People did want to hang out with me. People that valued me and wanted to be a part of my life. People that I had fun with -- real fun, not just the fake kind with the posed pictures and plastic smiles. I'm freakin weird. I like to hang out at home. I don't fit in doing hoodrat stuff and that's okay, because that's who I am.

So anyways, that was high school in a nutshell. When I went to college it was pretty much a repeat of events. Only now I had a totally fresh start. There was no geeky-artsy-miss "I skipped a grade" reputation to follow me along. So I kind of reinvented myself and molded into being that same type of person I had always put on a pedestal. Of course this led to -- surprise -- more self-loathing and confusion. I will say that when I joined Theta I was still in this mentality. It was another one of those "groups" that I wanted to be a part of, and when I had finally achieved it I wasn't quite sure what it meant. Luckily through being a part of Theta I was able to see that I could enjoy having many different types of friends and sharing life with people from totally different walks of life, but that didn't mean I had to live their life.

So anyways, that was TMI. But kind of nice to get off my chest. I have just kept telling my friend that he needs to do what makes him happy. Write down his goals. Think about what makes him tick -- what he is passionate about. What he lives for. Because when you think about life that way, there's a whole lot of stuff we treat like mountains that are really no more monumental than a grain of sand. I think that's why I'm feeling so much more peace about my decision to go to Elon. Aside from the fact that I've made a conscious effort to pray about it and God's will, it's just right. I'm excited to pick out fabric for the throw pillows for the couch in our apartment. I'm excited to coax my roommates into doing Insanity with me, start a new job, focus on new challenges in my classes and network the CRAP out of central North Carolina. I want to go on another mission trip. I want to try to start a Theta chapter at Elon. I want to make new friends.

These things make me happy. It's my life and I'm living it. I'm not looking at some else from the other side of the fishbowl thinking "why can't I be like them," and I hope I can be a confidant to people who are feeling that way. Because I really, really do understand.

New Blog

2010-07-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

For all my loyal fans (yes, that means you mom and dad) I have decided to create a new blog! Try not to get too excited (and by that, I mean be very very excited).

This blog is lame. I just don't really have any direction for it. I think when I created it, it was intended to be a means of figuring out who I was, documenting important life stuff, etc. But blogs are no longer just personal journals, but should be something that can help other people. I think journaling can help other people in a way, by showing them that you too have struggles and joys in your life and sharing that with them. But the thing is, I don't really read poetry or try to act deep anymore...so I guess I have to change my angle.

As a continuation of my last post, there have been some pretty huge changes in my life and the lives of my family. If you're a total facebook creeper like myself then I'm sure you've seen that I now belong not only to the Butler '12 network, but also to Elon '12. Unfortunately I can't be like Hermione Granger and go to classes at both schools at once. Stupid. I have to choose one, and I decided to choose the school closest to my family's new home in Raleigh, NC.

Those of you that passed geography (with Bruce Bigelow, the geography gigolo) will realize that this, in fact, means that I won't be going to back to Butler. This has been a giant, weird decision for me that I honestly question on a daily basis. I know going to Elon is the right thing to do: It's a fresh start full of new opportunities and challenges. Butler is a great school and as I've said before, I have absolutely nothing bad to say about BU. I guess it's just time for a change. I've changed dramatically since I started my life at Butler and perhaps it's just not the right fit for me anymore. Not just talking about my jean size, but that's actually a fitting phrase in that context.

So anyhow, bye bye Whitman quotes and adolescent musings. I'm going to give this blogger account a rest and start something new, along with my new life in North Carolina. I'd really like to start a blog about the transfer process and my first year as a transfer student. Still brainstorming name ideas and hoping to work on a fitting design for it. If you have any ideas holler. I am totally open to suggestions. I've already learned a lot from the application process and transition, and I know that I'll probably make a LOT more mistakes and hopefully be able to offer quality advice for those considering transferring or actually going through the process. I really want to make this something useful, something that will generate interest and discussion because I am pretty much scared out of my mind for everything that's about to happen and I'm guessing there are a lot of other students out there experiencing the same thing. Maybe I'll even pull my roommates into it :)

Au Revoir C-Bus!

2010-06-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am a really terrible Blogger. Every seminar I've been to or class taught about blogging says you need to do it every day, or at least have some consistent pattern. I lack this standard. This time I'll play it off as "my sporadic posts of self-centered messages make me more unique." Something like that. However, I think I have a pretty legitimate excuse this time: Most of the time I have excuses, they just aren't really valid :)

If you...
a. Don't know me
b. Don't know my family
or
c. Live under a rock (this includes owning a Facebook but never checking it)
Then you probably don't know that my family is definitely, 100%, absolutely moving to North Carolina at some point this summer. I wasn't technically allowed to tell anyone until now because my Dad had not given his letter of resignation to his current employer. But now that he has I could put it on a billboard in Times Square if I wanted to...or just tell all my friends who care. I have spent the last few weeks pretending to be an important businesswoman in my cubicle at my internship with BalletMet, folding clothes and helping pant-size-confused women navigate the maze that is The Limited, and in my spare time shoving all of my belongings into cardboard boxes. It's a pretty strange feeling packing up 16 years of your life, not to mention a rude awakening as to how much crap I own. Really Mom and Dad? You let me buy and keep a fanny pack in the shape of a drum from Colonial Williamsburg?

Anyhow, all of our stuff had to go somewhere because we have to convince some desperate midwestern family to please move into our house so we can get the heck out of here. Thus, we rented a POD and after that the jig was kind of up -- a huge portable storage container sat in our driveway for about two weeks. I came to the conclusion that I could definitely live in a POD. They're spacious, sturdy, and the POD people have to park it where you tell them to, so you can take it virtually anywhere. Plus I'm already poor from my typical college kid lifestyle and I still have two more years (at least) to go.

Which brings me to my next dilemma. This is how long it takes to drive from Butler to Raleigh,
That is a LONG time. That's not a "oh I can just drive home for the weekend" amount of time. That's a plane ticket or loads and loads of gas money. Which equals only being able to come home on holidays. As much as my family drives me crazy sometimes I really can't imagine being that far away from them. Who will be around to go see chick flicks with my Mom, go fishing with my dad, and make fun of Will as much as possible?

So as soon as my Dad told us he was thinking about taking a new job I filled out transfer applications to two North Carolina schools. It started out really casual, a total whim. I figured it would be something I started to appease my parents and just never finish. Besides I was happy at Butler, so why make an unnecessary change? The problem was, the more I worked on the applications, the more I started to love one of the schools. It was the perfect size, the tuition was actually slightly cheaper than Butler's, and best of all it's only an hour from where my family is going to be living.

I need to get going on some other posts for BalletMet and our new student run firm Rise Innovations so I'll go into the details of what happened next tomorrow. Change is good but scary. Not really the most profound thing I've ever said, but it's the truth.

My Columbus Top Ten (Part One)

2010-05-02T15:38:00.002-07:00

It's hard to believe that this will be my last summer living in good ol' C-bus. To be honest I've felt little connection towards Hilliard or Columbus in general. Now that the reality has hit me that we're leaving for good I'm starting to realize that Ohio hasn't been such a terrible place to grow up. I take the city for granted, but I'm fortunate to be working downtown this summer and can drive through the Arena District and down High Street blaring my O.A.R. for a few more months. For being a mid-size Midwestern town it's not the worst. So here are ten things (in no particular order) that I want to do this summer and you should consider doing too! And if you want to do them with me that's even better ✌

1. A Columbus Clippers Game at Huntington Park
I had the pleasure of attending one of these games with Michael Cochran -- who has now abandoned us all for Chicago -- last summer. Baseball games just feel like summer. The whole atmosphere from the cheap hot dogs, to the ringing organ chords and kids sitting on their dads' shoulders to watch the players lope around the bases, just screams summertime. The new park is amazing as well. It has the feel of a big-city ballpark with it's new location in the Arena District. Tickets are completely affordable as well, I think Michael and I each paid $5 for our tickets last summer. You can follow the Clippers for more deals and info on Twitter @CLBClippers

2. Rhythm on the River
BalletMet really is a treat to have in C-bus. As more and more companies call it quits this small but mighty company continues to soldier on and tackle diverse, moving pieces year after year -- and I don't just say that because I work there! Every August the company gives a sneak preview of the season to come at a little amphitheater down by the Scioto River. It's a really unique experience. Learn about what's going on at BalletMet (and read my future tweets as an intern) @BalletMet

3. OAR (@ofarevolution) at Lifestyles
Last year was my first O.A.R. experience and it was amazing. Despite many fans' critiques of their newer contemporary sound, I don't mind it. Still prefer their older stuff (mostly because Shattered was so overplayed on the radio) and the Stories of a Stranger album will forever define the summer of my Sophomore year. What makes seeing them in Columbus such a unique experience is that they were students at Ohio State and their song "Home" is all about Columbus--the place they found a 'second home'. I guess I relate to this now more than ever because I'm not sure where my home really is. We've lived here since I was 3 so it's the only home I've ever really known. Anyhow, regardless of your music preferences I guarantee you'd enjoy their live show. It's just a lot of fun!

4. Fantasia Bubble Tea
Bobby Hajjar exposed me to the greatness of Fantasia Bubble Tea on Bethel Road when we were BFFs junior year. The cute little Asians that own it are nice but a word of warning: They will try to get you to drink the 'red bean' flavor. DON'T FALL FOR IT. It's some kind of horrible mixture that was described to me as tasting like "yams." Why I decided that a liquid form of yams would be delicious? I have no idea. Just don't do it. Also a game of chinese checkers or chess is a must whilst sipping your frozen, bubble filled concoction. I think the bubbles are made of tapioca. I don't really want to know exactly what they are made of, so just don't ask questions.

5. North Market (@NorthM arket) & The Short North

The North Market describes themselves as "fabulous foodies, persnickety purveyors and artful artisans under one 44,000-square-foot roof peddling the fresh, the tasty, the exotic, the beautiful and the special." It is all that and a recyclable bag of free trade organic chips. It's basically this huge open market inside a big warehouse-like building at the end of High St., the gateway to the Short North. There are 35 different merchants that sell all kinds of yummy, delectable foods from popcorn to fresh fish to Indian food. My favorite stand is Jeni's ice cream. They make the most interesting flavors. For instance, my favorite mix is lavender, Thai chili, and some kind of dark chocolate goodness, the name of it I can't remember. Caitlyn Kinkead once said "I want this in my veins" in relation to the lavender ice cream. You know it must be good when someone wants an IV drip of it.

The Short North is kind of like a giant Broad Ripple to put it in perspective for my Bulldawgs. It's a district along High St. that has all kinds of little shops including upscale clothing boutiques, vintage shops, bars, the super-snooty Hyde Park Steakhouse, coffee & tea joints, and extends onto OSU campus. There are tons of art galleries throughout the Short North as well and they have a gallery hop around the beginning of every month. Evolved piercing and tattoo shop is also located on the outskirts near campus, which I highly recommend for piercings (and tattoos too as I can attest to as a witness). It's just fun to walk around and explore all of the various places. Also important to note that there are quality Yankee Trader and Dollar General stores on High St. Always a good time.

Check back soon for the next five!

changed+scattered+processing=mind

2010-04-26T20:34:00.000-07:00

I forgot what I was going to write this blog about...and now I remembered. It's finals week, therefore I'm cutting my scattered brains some slack.

Seven statements, things, to dos. thoughts. Expect the rest of this blog post to be like. this.

1. I've decided I need about an hour out of every day to find and download great music. My startup disk is almost full because I have so many songs on iTunes but I need MORE. I'm like a music junkie right now. Luckily Pandora, Grooveshark, and Soundcloud keep me from tweaking most of the time.

2. I think I just sneezed up my frontal lobe. That was painful. This whole record high pollen count thing needs to stop. I'M NOT JOKING. Check out pollen.com also known as my new homepage. It's not as bad today as it has been so I should probably be thankful for that.

3. I typed 2 and had to go back and delete it to make it a 3. Sorry number 3, you're going to be a pointless point anyways.

4. I can no longer watch commercials or look at advertisements the same way, which is interesting but also pretty annoying. I guess I'm learning something from my classes. Mom and Dad should be proud. Example: Tonight I was watching Gossip Girl in the informal with Danielle and Lauren. A Slim Fast commercial came on during the commercial break, and not just any slim fast commercial. This one. Why would you put a middle aged woman trying to sell a weight loss product on during a television show watched by high school and college aged girls? Most of us eat cheetos and qdoba every night, we don't care about the slimfast 3-2-1 plan (or maybe everyone else does and I don't. wamp wamp). Gossip Girl has a new style of trailers though which I really like. They've got a sepia kind of haze and big bold headlines. Me likey.

5. I'm getting selfish. I have started every sentence in this blog with the letter I. But really, I need to do a volunteer project of some sort.

6. I had a really interesting conversation with my research methods professor today. Normally I am not a huge fan of that class. Don't get me wrong, the professor is a very approachable nice guy, I just don't understand those methods well and I hate it when I can't pick up on a concept quickly. We were discussing my topic for my research question (which I should be working on right now) and began talking about social media, smartphones, and generally technology's impact on Gen X versus Gen Y. For instance, how a group of people can be gathered together at a restaurant yet all be talking to other people on their phones rather than engaging in conversation and "living in the present." Or for instance how today the average teenager sends 50-70 texts a day and 7th graders own Blackberrys. We even began discussing the implications of this communication shift in relationships, and how it has contributed to the new "hook-up culture." The average age of marriage for a woman is 28 now. That means that most women probably won't meet their future husband in college and most want to develop their careers and establish themselves professionally before settling down. Therefore they see no reason to settle into serious relationships and instead engage in those kinds that are merely physical -- hence the use of distanced communication like texting rather than calling or talking in person. It was very provoking, definitely gave me something to think about as I walked around campus today.

7. I need to get this whole fall internship thing figured out. My biggest fear is just that I'm not ready. I keep convincing myself I haven't had enough experience -- but I have and I know I can handle a really challenging position. I'm sure you've all read the whole "Our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" psych up pep talk speech and I've gotta go with FDR on this one. The only thing I should be fearing now is fear itself. I need to just send those resumes out. Some will get rejected, I might get an interview and still not get the job, but it's worth a shot. Looking at all of the seniors at the awards banquet tonight made me realize that they went though this same shabang. It's all part of the process. Just have to suck it up. A lot of times I'm just lazy and I forget how good it feels to step up to a challenge and face it head on.

Back to work

Taking my own advice

2010-04-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm definitely sitting at the same place I have been for a while. Actually it's the reason I blog like I've said so many times before. Just trying to define myself. Figure out what makes me and who I want to be.
I had a friend who contacted me about a year ago after I hadn't seen him for quite a while. This is what I wrote him back. I'm a pro at dishing out advice that I find hardest to follow myself:

Just take things one day at a time. enjoy the journey and don't be so worried about the destination. I've made a lot of mistakes and really messed up in the past. But I guess lately I've realized you have to stop looking back and just move forward. You have to do things for yourself and stop worrying about what other people may or may not think because they don't really matter anyway.

I think for a great deal of my life people put me up on a pedestal or expected perfection from me and I hated that. At the same time that didn't mean that I needed to prove my imperfection. I was trying to see myself through their eyes rather than how God sees me. He sees all my flaws, all my human faults and desires and loves me just the same because with him all of those mistakes are erased and forgotten. You just have to remember what he thinks of you, not what the world thinks. and thats a really really hard thing to do.

I'd Rather Be With You

2010-03-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

Now that the first week post Spring Break has ended my life is resuming to normality. Last week was ridiculously busy and I had to be motivated even though all I really wanted to do was look through pictures of Jamaica and be home. I was able to go home last weekend for Saturday and Sunday so that was nice, but not nearly long enough.

The Jamaica trip was amazing. I decided to do this trip on a whim. It was something I had thought about since last year but didn't have any plan about going. The deadline for applying passed, but I kept thinking about it and asked my parents if I should see if I could still apply. I was so nervous about going on a trip where I knew virtually no one else. A few girls from my sorority went as well but I wasn't very close to them prior to the trip. Another girl I was on dance team with last year was a veteran on the trip. The two mission trips I had been on before had been with teams from my church and so my dad or best friends were right there with me.

I think this trip may have even been better because it caused me to step outside my comfort zone and get to know other people I may normally have never even met before. It's been a great resource over the past week -- I ended up doing a "Rebuilding the Wall" service project downtown with a group from the YMCA and went to church with a few people from the group as well. You can check out the blogs we wrote during the trip here:
http://www.indymca.org/locations/branch.asp?id=13
you have to scroll down a little bit to find mine.

It's always different coming out of a mission trip. I like to think of it as free falling: The whole week you feel free and alive and like your life really has purpose. Then you have to come home, the equivalent of slamming to the ground. Real life is back, you have to put up with petty issues and attend meaningless classes. My mom has really helped me to remember that there are great ways to help in the community here. I don't just have to be in a foreign country to make a difference or help other people. That's a good perspective to have and something I'm working on.

I just miss Haiti, St. Vincent, and Jamaica. I like everything about the Caribbean (I mean, it's hard to dislike). Don't get me wrong, I hate the poverty. I hate that people are struggling to survive there everyday.
But I love their carefree attitudes.
I love that they have 70 different jobs and one of those probably includes trying to resell you a 50 cent bottle of water for $3.
I love the way they pray and are so passionate about their faith.
I love that they get dressed up like it's Easter Sunday every week for church.
I love the ingenuity of the children and their appreciation for the little that they have.
I love the unconditional love they shower you with. They don't know you or where you came from, but they love you anyways.

Taking the Spanx off life

2010-03-02T06:04:00.000-08:00

My goal is to blog every day this week...and for each of them to be an entertaining good read!

So hopefully everyone knows what Spanx are. They are basically torture devices created to convince women that they look slimmer in whatever they are wearing (apparently they make undershirts for men now too). Think modern day corset. Maybe there are some people that find these effective and comfortable, but I am not one of those people.

It looks harmless, right? WRONG. Last week I had to dress up for a presentation and since I was spending so much time diligently working on my project I didn't have time to hit the HRC. I had bought one of these devices over break to wear with a dress that looked slightly more sleek with it on. Somehow I thought that wearing something that sucked all of the stuff that's supposed to be on the outside of my body into my visceral organs would be both attractive and comfortable.

I put the camisole-like thing on and was feeling pretty good. I put on the rest of my clothes and ventured into the formal living room of the Kappa Alpha Theta to finish up some homework. After a few minutes my breathing shortened. I felt like my ribs were being squeezed together by a vice. I started going in and out of consciousness...okay so I'm being a little dramatic. However, it was NOT working for me! I had to take that off and just deal with my body for the day. Inhaling never felt so good!

Sometimes if we try to hold things in or suck it up and pretend like a problem or worry isn't present it's a lot more uncomfortable than if we just let it out. You have to be real. Maybe a situation isn't what you expected or hoped, or perhaps you don't have the courage to say something that you've been holding in for a long time. Eventually your figurative ribs will start screaming, and chances are it will not be pretty. So be real, face up to the challenges life brings you and don't be afraid to take the Spanx off.

Retake

2010-02-15T19:55:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: this post is very long and disjointed. pick through at your own risk
k so...we're going to try this whole blogging thing again.

It's just like almost anything I do. I try it for a while, take a break, then miss it. So I come back and try it again. Maybe not something I want future employers to see, but it's the way I work.
I really miss blogging. I keep a personal journal (and truthfully, even with that I am not as in depth and persistent as I'd like to be) but it's not really the same. With blogging it's nice to know that maybe someone really wants to know about your life, and maybe they're feeling the exact same things you are.

Wow so it's been since the summertime. I don't even know where to begin. Actually, when I look back on last semester I feel like I didn't grow. There isn't too much to say about it. As much as I regret that, I appreciate it for what it was. It was all building up to second semester, the present, and the weeks and months to come. Even though I made some pretty phenomenal mistakes last year, I think I was more confused than ever the first semester of this year. I almost feel like even though I'm in the same grade as my peers, I'm not 20 years old. I'm 18. I just became an adult. I should be a freshman in college right now, free of responsibility, still feeling my way around. . .but I'm not. That's weird.

What's even more strange is that I had never felt that way before. All though middle and high school my age and maturity level matched my grade. In fact, I was usually a little more sophisticated than those in my grade. I guess I knew that I was confused about most of the aspects of my life since around 11th grade, but it didn't really slap me in the face until the end of first semester.

I just can't go on being two different people. The primary realization I've come to is that I don't have to "look a certain way." Not physically really, but I guess I have these different kinds of model people in my head. This is going to be super cheesy so feel free to mock, but it's almost like I have these wax figures in my head of how different people are

ex: http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2004/04/gallery/bknowles/beyonce5.jpg
creepy right? though I wouldn't mind being Beyonce

A social girl is thin, pretty, great hair, great clothes, loved by all of the guys, envied by all of the girls she knows (but they're still all her best friends right?), drinks (sometimes to the point of sloppiness but its forgiven), known by everyone who matters, and the life of the party.

A christian girl is quiet, well mannered, dressed conservatively, always carries her bible, never makes a dirty joke or a "that's what she said," doesn't ever wonder what the guy in her English class looks like with his shirt off, and doesn't go out.

A serious student doesn't miss class, always answers the teacher's questions, does all of the extra credit, takes excessive notes, and is never late.

A lazy butt skips class, sleeps in, doesn't try (doesn't care), isn't responsible, watches TV all day, and complains that everything wrong that happens in their life is someone else's fault

I have absolutely shocking news. Unfortunately, I fit none of these categories. None of them. I can say that I have tried (usually extremely unsuccessfully) every single one of them and, well, none of them work. I'm not happy trying to be any of these things. I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel happy. I don't feel like it's where I'm supposed to be.

Which is why my own New Year's Resolution is also earth-shattering: I'm going to try and just be me. That's right Ladies and Gentleman, no walking the tight rope or juggling the swords. Not even eating fire. I'm just going to try and be me, and I think it's going to be a lot harder than anything Barnum and Bailey do.

One of the hardest things to pinpoint is where the "real me" went in the first place. Did I lose her in high school? Did she stay hidden in a cardboard box in the garage when I went to college? Maybe she fell out of my pocket when I went home for the summer? Or is it different than that? Is the real me who I am right now, or do I have to change? How will I know I have arrived at "the real me?"

It's like I said in my last post. It's all a journey and maybe there really is no "arrival." Here is what I do know for sure. I don't like what I've been and I don't like what I've done. I do like where I am now. So I'm going to try my hardest to keep being this person, and striving to be even more real and stop trying to act in a way that makes other happy or seemingly gains their approval.

With that being said, I deserve better than what I settle for. Abby's roommate has a great poster in her room that says, "We accept the love we think we deserve." I'm not really talking about romantic love because that's pretty much irrelevant in my life, but I think a lot of times I don't try for something because I'm afraid of not receiving it. Also not an earth-shattering revelation, but it really really sucks trying for something and not getting it. I'm tired of trying to be the best at things I am just not physically good at. BUT, I can't let those disappointments stop me from trying new things.

So I'll apply for internships I probably won't get. I'll search for jobs I won't be offered and try anyways. Because I could sit here on my butt and wonder why I'm not doing anything, or I could at least give it a shot and hope for the best.

A trip down memory lane...

2009-08-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

Today was quite interesting. I went down to BalletMet (you have to capitalize the M...you have to!) and shadowed a friend of mine who works in the marketing and development of the company. The work he does is really incredible considering all of the different aspects he has to juggle, not to mention the ability to utilize creativity while still keeping everything in order. I'm not too much closer to targeting what my ideal job is, but I have a feeling it will be more of a journey than a destination :)

One thing that I think some stress too harshly is having an ideal job or the ultimate career goal. Not saying having goals is a negative thing -- you have to have something that motivates you -- but sometimes when your mind is so focused on one thing you lose sight of what is really important. You may even miss out on something that was better than what you originally wanted, you know?

Being back at BalletMet is always nice and somewhat melancholy. Today for some reason I just kept thinking about body image. Naturally, being in a place where I was constantly critiquing myself and comparing my body to other people brings back this (really sucky) feeling.

Body image fascinates me in a way. I would love to be able to travel back through time and see how women in the past viewed themselves. Did they care as much as we do now? What about when it was actually beautiful to be more full-figured? Would a skinny girl actually be the one feeling insecure about herself? Did they go to great lengths to have younger looking skin or use numerous products to cure a zit? Were women constantly worrying about breakouts, or was the topic of weight a common conversation amongst them?

Being healthy and participating in a lifestyle that respects your body is important, of course. But I've gotta say, sometimes trying to look good all the time just gets tiring! What's even more frustrating is when it's not even making yourself happy. Whether you're trying to perfect yourself for a sport, the opposite sex, or that little voice inside your head that tells you you're not good enough or pretty enough, it will never be enough. It can become an idol and take over your life, and for a lot of Americans (girls especially) I think its become a very real issue. Of course, its a mental thing. Its something you have to work through, and it will always be a hot topic as long as there are yo-yo diets and Oprah telling us we all have to try her mealplan so we can lose 50 pounds overnight.

The thing is, we are created in God's image. Sometimes I forget that, "hey I have legs that work and I can see just fine and I've never even been to the hospital." I'm pretty lucky and that's something I should be thankful for and praise God for keeping me safe instead of complaining about everything I think is wrong. The truth is, God knit me together in my mother's womb and has a perfect plan for my life. I'd say that's pretty amazing! In Natalie Grant's book, she says "Who am I to question the craftsmanship of the Creator of the Universe?" I say: tru dat sister.

The Near Death of A Hopeless Romantic

2009-07-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

Okay so every year exactly one week from the time we leave for vacation I try to get in shape really fast. I think it’s a mental thing, like I think that by looking at people that are really in shape or do those pilates videos lead by people who are impossibly ripped I will suddenly drop 10 pounds and have great abs. Oh if only it were that easy. I took a boot camp class this morning and I am not impossibly ripped. My derriere, however, is impossibly sore.

Also I check out about 20 books from the library expecting to read them in a week. I could probably handle that if I wasn’t also watching kids, running away from scary dogs, forcing myself to work out etc. In the end I only read 5 and end up with a bunch of fines. I should seriously look into having Columbus Metropolitan Libraries dedicate one of those engraved bricks to me or something of that nature for all of the cashflow they get from my overdue books.

I had this grand plan this summer. I was going to get all deep and philosophical. I would pretty much memorize the history of every nation EVER and be a political science aficianado. Then when I got home really none of those things happened. Rather, I got cats, a nose ring, and read just about every relationship book in the library. Every girl should read “He’s just not that into you”. SO eye opening! Seriously. Give it a whirl.

I feel like I had reached a new level of understanding. Sure I have had functional relationships in the past, but truthfully in the past year all of my relationships have been dysfunctional or purposeless. Its not like I think that the next person I flirt with will be “The One” but really the purpose of dating should be to discover qualities in a person to see if firstly, you are compatible, and if not to have realized what you are actually looking for in a guy. It should be being truthful to yourself, not making excuses for the person in hopes that maybe they will change to be the person you really want them to be, or kidding yourself that what you have is real. You have to like the person for who they are. You also have to be honest with yourself, even when you don't want to.

It’s also not using someone else as a coping method or because you are lonely. It’s nice to have someone there for you. Sometimes life gets lonely or it feels like everyone around you has someone. And you’re just the sad cat lady with a bag of dove dark chocolates and Season One of Gossip Girl ready to pop into the DVD player. But you shouldn't settle just because there is some hole in your life that you can't fill (which is usually God anyways to begin with). Obviously neither of those situations are very healthy! I’ve learned you’re never going to find someone by sitting on the couch all day playing Sims or whatever (even though an occasional Sims splurge is so much fun). You have to get out and experience life! Life isn’t about finding that one person that makes your heart flutter and your head spin and make you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Because people will always let you down. Finding that person can only make your life better. But without loving yourself, who you are, your dreams, the journeys that have brought you where you are today, you can never love life, and never truly find someone to share it with you.

So basically what I’m saying is if you need relationship help, I’m totally your girl. And if you’re looking for an awkward double date partner, you know I’m always here for you. But mostly what I’m saying is that this is a really long blog post. And I am excited to be a Sophomore and to be fun and spontaneous, goofy and intelligent, beautiful and kind, and all of those things that I know I am. I don’t need anyone to tell me what I am, because I know who I am and I believe it. And once you do that too, wow life gets better. But I mean, compliments are always welcome still J

“I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love”

The last episode of Sex and the City re-ran on TBS tonight and I couldn’t help but throw that one in. See! She had to dump the cool trendy artist man because she knew he wasn’t good for her. Unfortunately, in most of our lives our “Big” one true always there for us love wouldn’t show up in the hotel shortly after the break up to ease the pain. Whatever Carrie.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose

Why I'm the Bomb.

2009-07-24T20:08:00.000-07:00

I typed a post for today and for some reason it didn't show up. FML

Free Online Dating

An honest dating site that's 100% free. No costs at all. Join DownToEarth Dating today and meet interesting men in your area.

Single Christian Men

Are you Christian? Chat free with singles in your area on Christian Mingle. Thousands of other Christians in your area are online now!

Meet Cute Christian Boys

Join ChristianMingle today to meet cute Christian boys.

More Ads

This is what shows up when i get on facebook. Double FML.
So tonight while I was babysitting we were playing frisbee. An innocent game of a flying plastic disc. Nothing too wild and crazy. BUT, I throw the disc too far and suddenly my lack of frisbee skill turns into me "not being fair" and "letting the older sibling win." The little girl runs into the house crying. The little boy goes to run after her and consequently spills a root beer all over the garage floor, beckoning to ants and critters and the like.
Panicked, I say, "Jackson, go inside and tell your sister that she should have won and it was my fault while I clean up this mess." Ten minutes later the little girl skips into the garage smiling. I'm like, oh thank God, this is all fixed. Then she looks up at me and goes, "Jackson says he wishes you would leave and never wants you to babysit us again."
Excellent. I am just flying high. Luckily, he came down in a little bit and was no longer mad at me. After humiliating myself by doing the robot in the middle of the neighborhood for them and their friends' mocking pleasure, and buttering them up with gifts of popcorn and apple juice I was raised back into good graces. Ay yi yi, the things I do for money. And the approval of children.

Pool Day

2009-07-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is one of those days when I feel like the whole world is against me.

SOMETIMES I HATE MY LIFE! only not really. Meh.

Going to the pool. Should be fun because I get to lay out and read 1 of my 3 books in progress.

I feel like I should stop trying to care about politics. Why do I care? History is so much better because it already happened and 58079287545 people have already analyzed it so no matter what you think, you can't really be wrong because you're allowed to have your own opinion now that its years and years old.

Also I hope that none of the annoying kids are at the pool. You know, the ones that stand over you dripping wet when you're trying to read and block out the sun so you get a weird white spot on your legs. Those are the kind of kids that probably pee in the pool too.

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn

2009-07-22T11:04:00.001-07:00

Is just to love, and be loved in return.

I love rainy days like today. They’re a little reminder that sometimes you need to take some time to relax. My only problem is that I like to relax a little too much J

The girls are being very moody today. Come on, I used to be a moody preteen (and I’m still moody) but I don’t understand!! I am trying to be a cool, fun, babysitter. I offered to have a fashion show. Who doesn’t love a fashion show? Thus, I have resorted to reading Harry Potter and folding towels while the girls nap and watch Hercules. Oh Hercules. Brings back great memories from the 7^th grade talent show. I think 5 different groups of girls sang, “I Won’t Say I’m in Love.” Moving performances.

I have really slacked in the blogging this week. Even when I used to write for school there were just some weeks when I couldn’t come up with much to talk about. I need some inspiiiiration in my head!

Well, last weekend I went over to Leanna’s and D.W.’s for movie and game night. It was so much fun! During one game we were playing, a certain comment about a certain orchestra director had us laughing until we cried. I tried to conjure up my best “and then I found five dollars” stories and we watched Moulin Rouge.

I had never seen Moulin Rouge before, and it was truly a beautiful love story. It was one of those movies that draws you into the story and makes you feel like you’re part of Satine and Christian’s romance. Then of course at the end you’re like, “Well isn’t that life. Once everything’s finally going right…”

Anyways, being the hopeless romantic I sometimes am (it’s a chick flick induced illness) I couldn’t help thinking, “Where’s my Ewan McGregor!! I want a love like that!” Which, I hope I do find a person that will love me unconditionally, willing to spend life with me wherever it takes us, and wants to be with me more than anything else. The thing is, there’s already someone who wants to take that role in my life.

Just like Christian, God will chase after us no matter how many times we try to run away from him. And just like Satine, no matter how hard we try to deny it, how much we fight it, he will always be right there waiting for us and loving us, forever (Psalm 136:1). God doesn’t care where we have been, just like Christian forgave Satine for her past life. He longed for nothing more than for her just to love him back and spend the rest of her life with him, leaving her past behind (John 8:11).

However, Christian was jealous and he couldn’t help it. God is the same way, not so much as in the human form of jealousy, but he can’t stand for us to put our minds and worship on anything else. Light can’t be with darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14). God should be our only one, our sole motivation deserving of worship and praise.

A friend once told me, “Elizabeth, you mean well and every time you falter you try to fix things, but I feel like you take one step forward, give up and take two steps back.” As discouraging and hurtful as that was to hear, it was something I needed to hear (it was said with love). I know how I am. I know I make excuses for myself and many times perform the same action expecting a different result.

“You don’t have to be perfect but the pursuit of godliness will bring you further and further into the mystery. Like me you can probably expect to take two steps forward and one step back. It’s normal, and you can’t let it deflate you. Life isn’t about forward movement. It ebbs and it flows. You are not abnormal in that fact. Just take heart in the fact that we are all in this together.” -Hayley DiMarco

This was very encouraging to me. I feel like I have been moving forward and I am in a very good place right now, but I realize that there is truly no moment of “arrival.” Life never stops. I am never going to “peak” or achieve the perfect life, there will always be the mountaintop moments and the valleys. At East 91^st a really amazing woman gave me this verse, and it is what helps me persevere and stop living in the past so I can enjoy the journey and look towards the future.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

-1 Corinthians 10:13

The Worlds a Stage

2009-07-11T22:51:00.000-07:00

Okay I lied...IT'S GREAT EVERYTHING :)!

I am loving the show so far and the cast is absolutely amazing. I feel like every night the show strengthens. I never stop laughing at Duke and King, Huck's voice and acting is great, Jim is wonderful...yesh I could go on and on. But bottom line: I love showtime. This weekend has been so much fun and I feel so fortunate to be a part of it.

Right now I feel reassured about everything. So much of the past few years have been spent uncertain. You know, the whole adolescent thing, becoming who you are supposed to be and shaping who you are for the rest of your life. I really worried I wasn't doing the right thing by quitting dance, or going to Butler, or even by chance decisions like nannying this summer or joining the musical. The lesson I keep learning over and over again is that no matter what you do, as long as you do it to the fullest and best of your ability you will gain something from it. Pretty obvious, I know. It smacks me in the face everytime because I doubt...when really I just need to trust :)

If I hadn't stopped dancing I wouldn't realize how much joy and happiness it brings me.

If I hadn't gone to Butler I would have never met my unconditional, reliable, goofy best friends.

If I hadn't taken the nannying job I wouldn't have gotten to share the amazing and hilarious times with the girls.

If I hadn't done the musical I would have missed out on spending some time with some awesome people and forgotten what it feels like to be on stage. Which is one of the very best feelings in the world.

Oh Muddy Watersssssssssssssssssss

2009-07-09T19:36:00.001-07:00

So the musical is this weekend and I'm really excited :D It's not great dancing or great singing or great acting, but it's so much fun and I love being on stage. I missed it a lot more than I'm willing to admit. Only I guess I'm admitting it now...yeah whatever.

I'm being really mean today. Its a case of the mean reds (see Breakfast at Tiffany's for details). It's just one of those days, you know?

Me and the girls made a Michael Jackson brownie memorial cake today and decorated it with umbrellas. It was Kaysi's idea, because he always carried umbrellas to protect his skin. I love those girls. They keep me from thinking too much. They're always doing something. For some reason when you get old you just want to sit around and do nothing. I mean seriously, I can just sit around doing pretty much nothing or napping, for way longer than should be humanly possible. When did I become old and able to be motionless for long periods of time?

Also I suck at every card game known to man. I cherish and embrace it. We can't all be king of euchre and Uno but at least I can juggle...not.

Impatience

2009-07-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

You know that movie, "Must Love Dogs?" Well if I ever have an eHarmony account you know what it's going to say? Must hate dogs. Because I hate them. They're smelly and needy and noisy. Also let's hope that I never have to resort to an eHarmony account, because I think that can honestly be considered rock bottom.

Abe Lincoln waited 28 years for something good to actually happen in his life.

The Colonies waited 170 years for liberty

The slaves waited centuries for freedom

Paul was stuck in prison for like 7 years and he didn't even do anything wrong

Vladmir and Estragon waited for Godot for who knows how long

So why can't I wait for anything! I realize things take time but sometimes I just wish I could have it all right now. Its not that I don't trust God to provide. I do, I know he has a plan for me. But I just want to know what it is right now

Easier said than done, but I just gotta let go and stop trying to make what I want to happen work rather than letting God take control of what is meant to happen.

However, through this proccess I'm starting to realize:

a. what a jerk I have been to multiple people in the past

b. why I was always the one to break things off. whether it be in a relationship, friendship, even with my parents.

I can't stand it when people get too close and just maybe, they have the power to betray me or break my heart or make me face the truth when I don't want to.

c. It doesn't really matter what I do at school activity-wise. I mean honestly, what makes me happy? Does joining some club that looks good on a resume really benefit me if I don't even like being there? Shouldn't I be spending time doing something I truly enjoy or that will benefit others? In high school I jumped into everything I could because...well I don't know why. I thought more activities meant greater happiness.

Also just for the record I hate chick flicks. And Sex and the City. They're cheesy and invoke false hope.

Okay that's a lie. I love them and am a typical girl. I don't really love dogs, but I don't hate them either. I just want something to hate.

Hm

2009-07-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

http://video.nytimes.com/video/2009/06/23/opinion/1194841132339/bloggingheads-obama-s-iran-challenge.html

Truth

2009-07-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

"Ere I had finished this reply, my soul began to expand, to exult with the strangest sense of freedom, of triumph, I ever felt. It seemed as if an invisible bond had burst and that I had struggled out into unhoped for liberty."

-Jane Eyre

If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar, and his word has no place in our lives.

-1 John 1:6-10

Honesty becomes me
theres nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me
in your presence are defused

Pride has no position
and riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me
Has been sentenced to this earth

-DC Talk, In the Light

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

-1 Corinthians 13:6

There is something so completely freeing about just speaking the truth. The funny thing about it is, most of the time we are so terrified to tell the truth that we can never fully realize how much easier it would be to just let go of the lies that control our lives in the first place. We tell ourselves lies daily -- these become our insecurities. We look in the mirror and lie to ourself that what we see back isn't beautiful or thin or worth anyone's time. We may take something a person says to us, be it joke or serious, and let it marinate in our minds and convince ourselves that we just aren't good enough.

We lie to God, to friends, to people we may not even know. I love how sometimes I think I'm smart enough to lie to God. "Okay Elizabeth, small issue here...God sees everything you do!!" But even when I mess up I just have to be honest with him. It's easy to sweep it under the rug, pretend like it never happened, and maybe even convince a part of ourselves that whatever it was just never existed.

God will always love you no matter how long it takes you to admit the truth, but people usually don't. It's easy to spot a liar most of the time. You know that girl at school that had pin straight hair but swore she never straightened her hair was probably stretching the truth. That's just a goofy example, but when your repeatedly lie to friends, no matter how much they may love you, they'll eventually see through the act and give up. Funny how when you just come clean it can completely break that barrier down and renew your relationship in a way you never thought it could.

We lie when we say we are Christians and fail to follow Christ fully and to walk in the light. Sin happens. It's life. But real truth is admitting that fact, rather than trying to act like you have your whole life together. Of course I don't really think Jesus meant you had to air your dirty laundry in public and humiliate yourself. But perhaps if you didn't act accordingly in a situation it means stepping back and admitting you were wrong. It's going up to that friend you ruined your initial witness to and saying, "I am so sorry I acted that way. But I'm human and I mess up my life. It's only by God's grace I can survive and I hope that I can have another chance to mend what I've done."

1 John 1:10 is so powerful. If we claimed we have not sinned his word has no place in our lives. It has no value, no meaning. The life that we were meant to build on Christ and his word is powerless because it has failed to remain true to one of the functional principles.

When we truly are in the warmth of the light of the presence of God, there is no more hiding from the truth. However, there is no more fear either.

Why don't you just go to OSU??

2009-06-30T06:04:00.001-07:00

This post is much like my, "You don't know what you want to do with your life?!" blog on my BU page...http://tiny.cc/eCQZH

To be honest with you, I don't really know how I ended up at Butler or why it was my first choice of schools. I just knew that I didn't want to go to OSU at all costs. OSU is a great institution and has a lot to offer in certain areas like medicine, but going in as an undecided in a school of 50,000+ is a more than a little scary.

In addition, I like building relationships and sometimes I need a little help with that since I'm not the greatest at it (why am I a PR major again? That's for another post). Sometimes I'm a little tactless or need a professor to take as much interest in me as I do in them. Its nice to have a small class where you really get noticed. If you're struggling the prof will offer help. If you're rockin' it you'll get praise...and that's always encouraging :)

Senior year was just so revealing. For years I had always planned on dancing without stepping back to think "Is this really what I want to do? Is this where I see myself in ten years?" And when I realized that I wasn't meant to dance it was scary but relieving at the same time.

It sounds cheesy and exaggerated, but when we visited Butler it felt like home. I could see myself living there, going to Starbucks to study on Saturday afternoons, late nights in Irwin, running around the mall, jumping in star fountain. It seemed like people cared about you. Which I guess they probably do everywhere on tours, I was just lucky they genuinely do.

I ask my parents frequently if they think I'm doing the right thing by going to Butler. I've thought a lot about transferring to a school like Cedarville or moving back closer to home. But here's the deal: College is what you'll make of it. It can be the best experience of your life or destroy you. Just like anything else, it all depends on how you handle it and making yourself get involved and try to be the best you can be. So even if I'm gonna have some not-so-fun student loans to pay off in the future, it will all be worth it in the end.

Man in the Mirror

2009-06-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

When I was little I always thought the little Michael Jackson and the Old one were two different people. How does someone go from being black with a fro to a skinny white popstar with long black hair? Thankfully, E true hollywood story set me straight and it all made sense...kind of.

It's hard to imagine what must have been running through his mind. It's hard to comprehend

a. how someone can be such an innovative musician. who would have thought of putting all of those random moves together and creating a completely original kind of dance or all of the crazy, imaginative, and purely strange themes of music videos together?

b. how someone can be so mentally scrambled.

I guess his life was just full of questions. Nonetheless, his death made me very sad. Who knows what might have happened had he lived longer. Perhaps he would have continued to be the same wacky pedophilic guy. But maybe he would have changed. Maybe someone would have helped him figure things out, iron out all of the intense issues wrinkled in the fabric of his life. Maybe he would have known the name of Jesus. He was sick and twisted but everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe he just needed someone there to share God's love.

Rereading "Irresistible Revolution" makes you think about those things. There are so many people in this world that need God's love and may never truly experience it because we're too comfortable just staying in our own traditional little boxes to take a chance and reach out to someone who has a really messed up life. Sure, we're not Jesus. Having that "messiah complex" of wanting to save everyone certainly won't help anyone, but simply showing them Christ's love through one's actions can speak volumes. It's so easy to let my emotions dominate my mood. Like feeling crappy gives me the right to treat everyone else badly. Yet, someone's salvation seems a lot more important that me allowing myself to be a diva. We all can't travel halfway across the world to make a difference in the lives of those around us, but we can give up everything we have just by letting God take control of our lives and acting like Jesus would.

It's not always easy to change, but everyone deserves a second chance

Sex. No big deal

2009-06-21T21:31:00.001-07:00

So I'm sitting here watching Sex and the City. It's immoral and trashy and whatever. I don't care, I love it. It's fascinating! Living in New York in an amazing apartment with not a care in the world besides wearing hot shoes and going on dates with great looking guys so you can write a weekly column for a mediocre newspaper and then somehow become famous through a book that's essentially an autobiography of your love life. It's ridiculously unrealistic.

The only problem is it gives completely unrealistic expectations (about a career in journalism because face it, noone respects someone who writes about sex) about love. You can't just have sex with someone and make them fall in love with you -- it just doesn't happen. You can't have that Carrie Bradshaw cute, coy, R-rated Audrey Hepburn personality and attract men and sleep with them and then suddenly be in perfect love! Obviously people know this...I think.

I mean really. Sex is EVERYWHERE. A few years ago church moms raged about how inappropriate Abercrombie ads were, banning their children from shopping there because girls were shown half-clothed and the traditional 6-pack abs featured in the mens jeans ad led to lower and lower waistlines...I guess it was bad but it didn't seem like such a big deal. Now? I can't flip through a Marie Claire without running into half-naked women all over the pages. Cosmo, that's typical, but my Marie?!?!! Oi. And for clothing ads. How much sense does that make? Let's advertise our clothing by showing naked people everywhere, because somehow people think they'll be in shape by buying our clothes. Yeah I've tried that one and let me just say thighs don't get slimmer by buying expensive jeans. People don't think you're sexier either.

Like back to the underwear thing. You can wear Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy" Underwear, but when you're a sweaty hot mess at the Y sporting those undies they don't make you're smelly butt any sexier. Or like sephora lip gloss. You spot a cute guy from across the room and brush on a little bit of the "Chic Sexy Jungle" lipstick because you know, he'll probably notice when you get up to purposelessly walk past him hoping he'll notice you. It happens to smear over your front teeth. You shamelessly flash him a red-toothed smile....Definitely sexy.

Anyways. Sex.

Its just such a contradiction in society. Kids are scared of sex because of teenage pregnancies. Or at least parents try to scare them out of it using the threats of disease and babies. Naturally you always want to do the things your parents say are bad. Encouraging this are cheers from all sides -- clothing companies, magazines, tv shows, movies -- to be sexy and have sex and be great at sex. The thing is, a lot of these media brainwashers are aimed at an older demographic that could be married and therefore have the right to do it whenever they please, or are adults and "responsible" and what have you. But kids don't understand that. They think somehow they're being left out or there's something wrong with them because they're not having sex. And if they do then certainly they'll meet that someone and fall in love, and have a great job and a great apartment and life will just fall into place.

And then they have sex and get herpes. or babies. or maybe just have their heart broken. That's something they never advertise in Planned Parenthood brochures or explain to middle school health classes.

Life's just not fair in so many ways. Sex is supposed to be such a beautiful wonderful thing, but its morphed into a "product." It's something we fear. It's an act people take on a daily basis and twist into a perverted crime. It's just an everyday activity you can participate in if you're bored or if you just have an urge. It's okay to take from people and give away yourself just because you "feel like it."

If you're supposed to wait until you're married to have sex then why does the world make it so hard to wait? Isn't it supposed to be one of those "about the journey not the destination" things where you're so in love that it's just the icing on the cake? I know the answers to these questions, they're just food for thought.

Renewal

2009-06-19T18:53:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been so packed! I hardly have time to breathe...okay thats a wee bit of an overstatement :) When I'm not busy nannying, at rehearsal or at church I'm usually at the Y or playing Sims 3 so I can't complain. It's been a great few weeks of summer and being home has truly brought me a joy and peace I have longed for.

The two little girls I nanny are simply fabulous. They are so strong and flexible for their age and show a kind of love that I hope I can learn to show to people. Their father had to have emergency surgery last week, and though they were scared for him they trusted God that he would be okay and come home in good health. When I leave the house in the evenings after watching them they hug me for a good 5+ minutes and tell me they love me. It's such a good feeling to have people that love you no matter what, that think you're amazing even if you're not the best and greatest success in the world, and just like you for who you are. You don't find many of those in life and I'm lucky enough to have two awesome ones.

It's nice to be with family too. My mom and I have always been close and even through the disagreements we've had we always strengthen our relationship through the process. I've been really blessed to spend some time with her while home, laughing, crying, watching High School Musicals; doing everyday things together that I normally take for granted. Will is Mr. Athleticism and never ceases to amaze me with all of his talent. I just hope that he has the perseverance to follow through with his gifts and hone his talents even if others tell him that he can't do it. My dad is an abyss of knowledge. Just when I think I've stumped him with a question he answers without skipping a beat. I don't know if abyss is a good word...basically he has endless knowledge, and more importantly, wisdom. He has had a variety of life experiences and learned from them rather than letting them get the best of him. He is my role model.

In the past month and a half of being home things have changed in my life. I feel my heart softening. The parts hardened by hurt, alcohol, disappointment, relationships, failure, have melted and been cleaned away, refilled with the overflowing warmth of God's love. Although I wish this feeling could last, I know it won't. I know that I will face all of those things again in some point at my life. But at that moment, when I feel that sin, the freezing pain or heartbreak I just want to remember this moment and how it feels and to know that I can have this love in the joy and in the sorrow. I try to control things. I say, "Oh, things are good now! I'm feeling good life's great... I'm just gonna do my own thing for a while and it will all stay the same." That's when it gets bad. I can't do life on my own and I'm really starting to believe that.

I love these lyrics from the Brandom Heath song "Trust You"

I'm not gonna fight You anymore
I'm not gonna try to lock the door
You took Your life and gave me Yours
There's no reason why
I shouldn't trust You with mine

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Disappointment

2009-06-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were little and you would get excited over the tiniest things? I remember not being able to go to sleep the day before the first day of school. I imagined the adorable outfit I had picked out to wear with the perfect matching shoes. My multicolored folders sat snugly in my backpack waiting to be filled with important documents. I was sure to make at least ten new friends the next day on the playground, and maybe I would even have a teacher that took special interest in me like in that Matilda movie.

Of course the next day would come. I would spill milk on my brand new shirt at breakfast. We wouldn't get any important papers at at school except for the pointless parent signature sheets. I would hang out with my friends from the year before, quietly standing in the corner of the playground avoiding the monkey bars at all costs. My teacher would just be your average Hilliard City School employee. Except for my First Grade teacher, none really ever took interest in me.

This is a little cynical, yes there were those exciting days, those moments that completely lived up to their potential. But if you think about it, when you're younger you have such high expectations and over the years they gradually lower and fall. When I was little, if I didn't have a huge production of a birthday party I would be crushed. Today I didn't really expect to do anything except go to church and sleep. When I was little I would spend weeks making a list of all the things I wanted for my birthday, including a swimming pool in the backyard where I could train my pet dolphin. I asked for a kitten this birthday and was overjoyed to actually receive that gift among many other nice things from my family.

The point is this; as we grow older we begin to expect less so as to not be disappointed. For me, I have learned that people aren't always reliable. Just two years ago I would be crushed if I made plans for myself and friends and they would back out on me at the last minute. I would think, "Well they must just not like me," or "I must not be worth their time." So, I began to trust people less. I expected less of them so that if they were to falter I wouldn't have my heart broken.

I've found that I am important and I am worth peoples' time. The people that matter the most to me are the ones that are willing to spend that time and keep their promises, and the ones that don't aren't really my friends. I've gotten into the habit of expecting less, when I should expect nothing less than the best because when I do I become one of the unreliable, uncaring people. I become careless and cynical. Just because others have become hardened doesn't mean the rest of us must follow suit. So, I hope that when I stroll across the yard tomorrow to watch my girls for the day I give them the best day they could possible hope for. Sure, the job might not be an internship with CASA or a 9-5 workday down at Balletmet, but its where I am and where I belong. It would be wrong of me to disappoint the girls and why waste a perfectly wonderful day when I can be having fun right along with them?

“Circumstances are the rulers of the weak; they are but the instruments of the wise.”

Samuel Lover

Under where?

2009-06-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

So tonight at rehearsal I think I picked at least 10 wedgies. I feel really bad for Joy Rybinski who stands behind me during the "Arkansas" dance in Big River...movement + my underwear of choice for the evening were not compatible. Being the lady that I am I have lots of different types of underwear in all styles and colors that I have accumulated over the years. Of course I have my favorites, the ones that I curse the day they were made, and ones that bring me luck.

Boyshorts: I would say they are probably the comfiest underwear around. Think about it: you can never get a bad wedgie, they stick to your body and don't go rogue like bikinis can, and are usually adorned with cute lace or bow embellishments. Garmet Grade=A+

Bikinis: Typical. Cute ones with prints and whatnot can boost your confidence. I don't know why. I mean most people who aren't taking off their clothes never show their underwear so its not a matter of being confident in apparel people can see. I guess its just a psychological thing. The only problem with these is that if you have a sizeable derriere it can lead to a serious threat of wedge potential. Choose wisely, mes amis. Garmet Grade=B. B- for ones with a too-small butt.

Thongs: After the first experience you have with them in 8-10th grade they're probably pointless. I feel like its a rite of passage. At that tender pubescent age you have to secretly sneak buying one behind your mom's back, and reluctantly hand them to the cashier with an embarrassed blush. But they're really of no use. Some people like them for wearing on an everyday basis, but I feel like I pay attention to the fact that I have a piece up string running up my crack and it's distracting. I'll be sitting in class trying to take notes on conglomerates, "Time Warner, Sony, should have worn real underwear, GE, Vivendi, WHO INVENTED THESE THINGS?!" thats the train of thought. They're probably useful in other situations...but practically are not sensible and are especially unbecoming when visible above the tops of jeans. Sorry Lil' Kim. Garmet Grade=D

Jeweled Undies: Victoria's Secret boomed in sales when it was created in 2004. Leslie Wexner's grand idea of marketing overpriced undies and pj's to teenage girls who are willing to pay ungodly amounts on a brand in order to look cool while sleeping ended up bringing in $300 milli the first year. Not bad, Limited. Though I criticize, I own a fair amount of these goods myself. I think my most interesting and prized pair have huge block rhinestone letters all over the back of them. Seriously? I mean they're cute but that makes no sense. I can't wear them with some shorts because you can read the stones through the material. Besides, who wants to sit on stones all day? I still don't really understand the whole capri sweatpant idea. Yes, I wear them but like the whole bottom half of your legs are still cold. However, the jewels yeah I don't get it. If I wanted letters imprinted on my butt I would go get a tattoo. Garmet Grade=C

Academic Undies: These are the best underwear ever created. If one runs into these panties...buy them no matter what the cost. My personal favorites are my number undewear from Aerie. They are red boy-style underwear with colored numbers all over them. Statistics show that I performed a great deal better on my math tests whenever these underwear were worn during the test. Many a morning Abby would find me digging through my pile of clothes in my chair looking for these (they were clean don't worry, i threw all my laundered clothes in the chair to be folded later). I also have a VS Pink pair with french writing on the back that I have faith will help in future french classes. Give it a shot. I have yet to find newsprint ones.

The American Dream

2009-05-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

I took a class in eleventh grade called American Literature: The Pursuit of the American Dream. The poor teacher...it was her first year teaching, and of course the angelic Darby students didn't exactly give her the easiest of time. So really I didn't learn a whole lot. I'm still trying to figure out that the "american dream" is. Yes, you can write a 9 page essay on a topic and continue to have no idea what it essentially is.

Sonia Sotomayor was nominated to the Supreme Court by the President today. The Vice President described her story as "incredible" and "summing up the american dream." Sotomayor is truly a living rags-to -riches story. It is encouraging to see that out of an impoverished an potentially hopeless situation she rose above and achieved a position even the wealthiest Americans envy.

Opthalmologist Steve Blaydes of the renowned Blaydes Clinic was born into money. His father was famous for the development of modern-day cataract surgery and travelled the country speaking on his work. Steve attended Princeton and graduated with a degree in Political Science. After a year in Washington, Steve realized he was not happy in politics. After volunteering in the medical field he decided to return to school to obtain his M.D. and work for his family's practice. Today he is a hard-working individual who genuinely cares for each and every one of his patients and lives a quiet life with his family in a small town in Virginia.

My own father came from an immigrant household. His father's family had immigrated from China shortly before his father was born. His mother met my grandfather when he was stationed in Germany. She was an orphan and returned to the states with dad's dad. They divorced when he was a teenager, and dad had to deal with a torn family and cultural divides at a young age. He went on to attend a community college, eventually going to VCU and Virginia Tech for his Ph.D. in Chemistry. He is one of the most talented, intelligent individuals I know. He works hard for our family who lives a comfortable, but not lavish lifestyle. He hates his job.

What is the American Dream? Is it coming from having nothing and poverty to immense riches and power? Is it following in the footsteps of your family? Is it working hard for no gain?

When I think about the American Dream in terms of my own life...women are still pigeon-holed into the 1950's mentality of "I have to find a husband and have children. Then my life will be fufilled." Of course there are plenty of women who don't take this route and prove that there is freedom with lifestyle choice in today's society. But the norm is still:

a. Focus on looking good to attract men

b. Attract man and charm him with wit and humor

c. Marry man

d. Have children

e. Raise children. Repeat

Sometimes I just don't know if that's what the American Dream is all about.

Judgement

2009-05-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

"Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eve?"

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eve and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7

"For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it."

John 12:47

When will legalism and personal judgement be erased from the church? Christians are called to be Christlike. To follow the ways of Christ and strive to be like him, not to make their own rules and show disdain on those that do not live up to those standards. Maybe Shane Claiborne is onto something....

Of little significance

2009-05-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

I miss blogging for school...or rather I miss blogging and I think I'll enjoy it more now writing about things I enjoy. Or perhaps things I think are funny, and of course random chance events that I hope to remember. I'll probably post some of my older blogs that I actually took some time and thought to produce on here eventually. I figured I should go ahead and get something started in order to document the summer, random projects, work and whatever else life throws at me. Besides the fact that Doug is the bomb and I am trying to copy his fab idea :) Hopefully I'll be able to hold myself to all of the plans I have for the upcoming year...I suppose whoever reads this -- along with my conscience -- will be able to scold me if I don't.

I have many thoughts to process including soccer moms, welfare, "the irresistable revolution," fitzgerald, adolescence, relationships, and underwear. Just taking some mental (and physical too) notes for the future. But this post will be a premise of sorts for my summer and personal growth and where I'm hoping to go. I like to be goofy and serious. One of my good friends in particular is a master of transitioning from light conversation to deep thought (and not the ones by Jack Handey) at the drop of a hat. This blog might end up being like that or it might not. In other words, I have no idea where I'm really going with this.

This past weekend was a great revival for me. I went back to a leadership seminar I attended as a sophomore in High School to work and help out behind the scenes. Friends of mine were running the seminar for the weekend and it was of equal or greater caliber to the program I went through three years ago. The basic idea of HOBY -- Hugh O'Brein Youth Leadership, you'd be surprised how many kids coming there have no idea who Hugh O'Brien is-- is to show the future generations not what to think, but how to think. Too often in life we are handed the "answers" to difficult questions on a silver platter, whether by a politician, parent, or person we respect. We swallow them whole rather than taking the time and effort to form our own opinions. I do it everyday, and you do too whether you admit it or not. Yet much like the creed of the seminar, the manner in which we think is what needs to be changed.

The past year has been unhinged and difficult and wildly fun yet complex. Being on your own for the first time in one's life is an experience unlike any other. Its difficult to decipher between the actions you take because they are truly what you desire and those decisions made because of the influence of peers. Political Science class was a perfect example. My passionately Obama-devoted left-leaning professor was not afraid to make his opinion loud and clear. This could be traces of bittnerness leaking from the wound of not being offered tenure, but that's besides the point. I was raised in a very conservative household, but didn't want to limit my view. I wanted to give different ideas a chance. I mean I guess that's what college is for, its pretty much the only time in your life when you can still be confused about everything and get away with it. But what did that mean? Did I eat up the professor's words and digest them into my own doctrine? Could I do that yet still hold onto my own beliefs? What is the ultimate truth?

The old cliche holds true, "If you don't stand for anything you will fall for everything." There's nothing scarier than roaming around the gray area of uncertainty. Sometimes its a place you have to be though, because if you don't go there you'll never reason what is truth, never be able to fully believe something because you know from research and analysis that it is true. As a sophomore I don't think I was fully mature enough to understand HOBY. Of course I had a blast doing the cheers and grasped the concepts of the motivational speakers about being your own person, doing what you love and are passionate about despite criticism or doubt you may encounter. But now I realize that the Orwellian concept of mindless living is all too easy to fall into when one goes through the routine of life with no focus. My challenge for myself this summer is to find focus and truth. Figure out why I do the things I do. Obviously I probably won't have it all solved :) and I'll probably do some more stupid things. But I hope to get a little smarter before I got back off to Indy as a big bad sophomore.