Thoughts

"When you've totally dedicated yourself to your art you feel like you see the outside world from a bubble. You see the beautiful, popular people who look like they just have fun all the time and aren't stressed out like you and everyone loves them. It's pretty cool when they want to be your friend too."

This is the first time I've really processed that. I was just talking with a friend who is under some pressure right now, trying to make a decision about studying abroad and feeling torn between doing something he's always wanted to do, while at the same time feeling like he has just become something he has always wanted to be.

I don't know who feels this way or why. I don't know if it has to do with our social interaction when we're young, our mind development, or just our perception of people, but that first paragraph is the description of my life from age 10-17. Of course, I'm sure hormones and such played some role in all of that mess, but I always felt like I was missing out. In high school I would see the girls whom I thought everyone loved and wanted to hang out with and envied them because I didn't have the chance to be their friend even if I wanted to -- I had dance. "Hey Liz want to come to our sleepover," "Sure, but I have to leave early because I have dance in the morning." I wasn't a part of a team that was always together. My team was my friends from dance and things were great until I decided to switch studios and leave them all behind. I always say I have no regrets, but actually I do have one. I wish I had never left BalletMet. I wish with all of my heart that I had stayed just to enjoy my senior year and spend time with the women I truly cared about.

I sacrificed a great deal of things to try and become a part of the elite group I so longed to join. My morals, my reputation, my true friends. And in the end the bottom line was that it didn't make me happy at all. In fact it made me hate my life and the person that I had become. I realized I had been one of those girls that everyone loved. People did want to hang out with me. People that valued me and wanted to be a part of my life. People that I had fun with -- real fun, not just the fake kind with the posed pictures and plastic smiles. I'm freakin weird. I like to hang out at home. I don't fit in doing hoodrat stuff and that's okay, because that's who I am.

So anyways, that was high school in a nutshell. When I went to college it was pretty much a repeat of events. Only now I had a totally fresh start. There was no geeky-artsy-miss "I skipped a grade" reputation to follow me along. So I kind of reinvented myself and molded into being that same type of person I had always put on a pedestal. Of course this led to -- surprise -- more self-loathing and confusion. I will say that when I joined Theta I was still in this mentality. It was another one of those "groups" that I wanted to be a part of, and when I had finally achieved it I wasn't quite sure what it meant. Luckily through being a part of Theta I was able to see that I could enjoy having many different types of friends and sharing life with people from totally different walks of life, but that didn't mean I had to live their life.

So anyways, that was TMI. But kind of nice to get off my chest. I have just kept telling my friend that he needs to do what makes him happy. Write down his goals. Think about what makes him tick -- what he is passionate about. What he lives for. Because when you think about life that way, there's a whole lot of stuff we treat like mountains that are really no more monumental than a grain of sand. I think that's why I'm feeling so much more peace about my decision to go to Elon. Aside from the fact that I've made a conscious effort to pray about it and God's will, it's just right. I'm excited to pick out fabric for the throw pillows for the couch in our apartment. I'm excited to coax my roommates into doing Insanity with me, start a new job, focus on new challenges in my classes and network the CRAP out of central North Carolina. I want to go on another mission trip. I want to try to start a Theta chapter at Elon. I want to make new friends.

These things make me happy. It's my life and I'm living it. I'm not looking at some else from the other side of the fishbowl thinking "why can't I be like them," and I hope I can be a confidant to people who are feeling that way. Because I really, really do understand.

New Blog

For all my loyal fans (yes, that means you mom and dad) I have decided to create a new blog! Try not to get too excited (and by that, I mean be very very excited).

This blog is lame. I just don't really have any direction for it. I think when I created it, it was intended to be a means of figuring out who I was, documenting important life stuff, etc. But blogs are no longer just personal journals, but should be something that can help other people. I think journaling can help other people in a way, by showing them that you too have struggles and joys in your life and sharing that with them. But the thing is, I don't really read poetry or try to act deep anymore...so I guess I have to change my angle.

As a continuation of my last post, there have been some pretty huge changes in my life and the lives of my family. If you're a total facebook creeper like myself then I'm sure you've seen that I now belong not only to the Butler '12 network, but also to Elon '12. Unfortunately I can't be like Hermione Granger and go to classes at both schools at once. Stupid. I have to choose one, and I decided to choose the school closest to my family's new home in Raleigh, NC.

Those of you that passed geography (with Bruce Bigelow, the geography gigolo) will realize that this, in fact, means that I won't be going to back to Butler. This has been a giant, weird decision for me that I honestly question on a daily basis. I know going to Elon is the right thing to do: It's a fresh start full of new opportunities and challenges. Butler is a great school and as I've said before, I have absolutely nothing bad to say about BU. I guess it's just time for a change. I've changed dramatically since I started my life at Butler and perhaps it's just not the right fit for me anymore. Not just talking about my jean size, but that's actually a fitting phrase in that context.

So anyhow, bye bye Whitman quotes and adolescent musings. I'm going to give this blogger account a rest and start something new, along with my new life in North Carolina. I'd really like to start a blog about the transfer process and my first year as a transfer student. Still brainstorming name ideas and hoping to work on a fitting design for it. If you have any ideas holler. I am totally open to suggestions. I've already learned a lot from the application process and transition, and I know that I'll probably make a LOT more mistakes and hopefully be able to offer quality advice for those considering transferring or actually going through the process. I really want to make this something useful, something that will generate interest and discussion because I am pretty much scared out of my mind for everything that's about to happen and I'm guessing there are a lot of other students out there experiencing the same thing. Maybe I'll even pull my roommates into it :)

Au Revoir C-Bus!

I am a really terrible Blogger. Every seminar I've been to or class taught about blogging says you need to do it every day, or at least have some consistent pattern. I lack this standard. This time I'll play it off as "my sporadic posts of self-centered messages make me more unique." Something like that. However, I think I have a pretty legitimate excuse this time: Most of the time I have excuses, they just aren't really valid :)

If you...
a. Don't know me
b. Don't know my family
or
c. Live under a rock (this includes owning a Facebook but never checking it)
Then you probably don't know that my family is definitely, 100%, absolutely moving to North Carolina at some point this summer. I wasn't technically allowed to tell anyone until now because my Dad had not given his letter of resignation to his current employer. But now that he has I could put it on a billboard in Times Square if I wanted to...or just tell all my friends who care. I have spent the last few weeks pretending to be an important businesswoman in my cubicle at my internship with BalletMet, folding clothes and helping pant-size-confused women navigate the maze that is The Limited, and in my spare time shoving all of my belongings into cardboard boxes. It's a pretty strange feeling packing up 16 years of your life, not to mention a rude awakening as to how much crap I own. Really Mom and Dad? You let me buy and keep a fanny pack in the shape of a drum from Colonial Williamsburg?

Anyhow, all of our stuff had to go somewhere because we have to convince some desperate midwestern family to please move into our house so we can get the heck out of here. Thus, we rented a POD and after that the jig was kind of up -- a huge portable storage container sat in our driveway for about two weeks. I came to the conclusion that I could definitely live in a POD. They're spacious, sturdy, and the POD people have to park it where you tell them to, so you can take it virtually anywhere. Plus I'm already poor from my typical college kid lifestyle and I still have two more years (at least) to go.

Which brings me to my next dilemma. This is how long it takes to drive from Butler to Raleigh,
That is a LONG time. That's not a "oh I can just drive home for the weekend" amount of time. That's a plane ticket or loads and loads of gas money. Which equals only being able to come home on holidays. As much as my family drives me crazy sometimes I really can't imagine being that far away from them. Who will be around to go see chick flicks with my Mom, go fishing with my dad, and make fun of Will as much as possible?

So as soon as my Dad told us he was thinking about taking a new job I filled out transfer applications to two North Carolina schools. It started out really casual, a total whim. I figured it would be something I started to appease my parents and just never finish. Besides I was happy at Butler, so why make an unnecessary change? The problem was, the more I worked on the applications, the more I started to love one of the schools. It was the perfect size, the tuition was actually slightly cheaper than Butler's, and best of all it's only an hour from where my family is going to be living.

I need to get going on some other posts for BalletMet and our new student run firm Rise Innovations so I'll go into the details of what happened next tomorrow. Change is good but scary. Not really the most profound thing I've ever said, but it's the truth.

My Columbus Top Ten (Part One)

It's hard to believe that this will be my last summer living in good ol' C-bus. To be honest I've felt little connection towards Hilliard or Columbus in general. Now that the reality has hit me that we're leaving for good I'm starting to realize that Ohio hasn't been such a terrible place to grow up. I take the city for granted, but I'm fortunate to be working downtown this summer and can drive through the Arena District and down High Street blaring my O.A.R. for a few more months. For being a mid-size Midwestern town it's not the worst. So here are ten things (in no particular order) that I want to do this summer and you should consider doing too! And if you want to do them with me that's even better ✌


1. A Columbus Clippers Game at Huntington Park
I had the pleasure of attending one of these games with Michael Cochran -- who has now abandoned us all for Chicago -- last summer. Baseball games just feel like summer. The whole atmosphere from the cheap hot dogs, to the ringing organ chords and kids sitting on their dads' shoulders to watch the players lope around the bases, just screams summertime. The new park is amazing as well. It has the feel of a big-city ballpark with it's new location in the Arena District. Tickets are completely affordable as well, I think Michael and I each paid $5 for our tickets last summer. You can follow the Clippers for more deals and info on Twitter @CLBClippers

2. Rhythm on the River
BalletMet really is a treat to have in C-bus. As more and more companies call it quits this small but mighty company continues to soldier on and tackle diverse, moving pieces year after year -- and I don't just say that because I work there! Every August the company gives a sneak preview of the season to come at a little amphitheater down by the Scioto River. It's a really unique experience. Learn about what's going on at BalletMet (and read my future tweets as an intern) @BalletMet

3. OAR (@ofarevolution) at Lifestyles
Last year was my first O.A.R. experience and it was amazing. Despite many fans' critiques of their newer contemporary sound, I don't mind it. Still prefer their older stuff (mostly because Shattered was so overplayed on the radio) and the Stories of a Stranger album will forever define the summer of my Sophomore year. What makes seeing them in Columbus such a unique experience is that they were students at Ohio State and their song "Home" is all about Columbus--the place they found a 'second home'. I guess I relate to this now more than ever because I'm not sure where my home really is. We've lived here since I was 3 so it's the only home I've ever really known. Anyhow, regardless of your music preferences I guarantee you'd enjoy their live show. It's just a lot of fun!

4. Fantasia Bubble Tea
Bobby Hajjar exposed me to the greatness of Fantasia Bubble Tea on Bethel Road when we were BFFs junior year. The cute little Asians that own it are nice but a word of warning: They will try to get you to drink the 'red bean' flavor. DON'T FALL FOR IT. It's some kind of horrible mixture that was described to me as tasting like "yams." Why I decided that a liquid form of yams would be delicious? I have no idea. Just don't do it. Also a game of chinese checkers or chess is a must whilst sipping your frozen, bubble filled concoction. I think the bubbles are made of tapioca. I don't really want to know exactly what they are made of, so just don't ask questions.

5. North Market (@NorthMarket) & The Short North

The North Market describes themselves as "fabulous foodies, persnickety purveyors and artful artisans under one 44,000-square-foot roof peddling the fresh, the tasty, the exotic, the beautiful and the special." It is all that and a recyclable bag of free trade organic chips. It's basically this huge open market inside a big warehouse-like building at the end of High St., the gateway to the Short North. There are 35 different merchants that sell all kinds of yummy, delectable foods from popcorn to fresh fish to Indian food. My favorite stand is Jeni's ice cream. They make the most interesting flavors. For instance, my favorite mix is lavender, Thai chili, and some kind of dark chocolate goodness, the name of it I can't remember. Caitlyn Kinkead once said "I want this in my veins" in relation to the lavender ice cream. You know it must be good when someone wants an IV drip of it.


The Short North is kind of like a giant Broad Ripple to put it in perspective for my Bulldawgs. It's a district along High St. that has all kinds of little shops including upscale clothing boutiques, vintage shops, bars, the super-snooty Hyde Park Steakhouse, coffee & tea joints, and extends onto OSU campus. There are tons of art galleries throughout the Short North as well and they have a gallery hop around the beginning of every month. Evolved piercing and tattoo shop is also located on the outskirts near campus, which I highly recommend for piercings (and tattoos too as I can attest to as a witness). It's just fun to walk around and explore all of the various places. Also important to note that there are quality Yankee Trader and Dollar General stores on High St. Always a good time.

Check back soon for the next five!

changed+scattered+processing=mind

I forgot what I was going to write this blog about...and now I remembered. It's finals week, therefore I'm cutting my scattered brains some slack.

Seven statements, things, to dos. thoughts. Expect the rest of this blog post to be like. this.

1. I've decided I need about an hour out of every day to find and download great music. My startup disk is almost full because I have so many songs on iTunes but I need MORE. I'm like a music junkie right now. Luckily Pandora, Grooveshark, and Soundcloud keep me from tweaking most of the time.

2. I think I just sneezed up my frontal lobe. That was painful. This whole record high pollen count thing needs to stop. I'M NOT JOKING. Check out pollen.com also known as my new homepage. It's not as bad today as it has been so I should probably be thankful for that.

3. I typed 2 and had to go back and delete it to make it a 3. Sorry number 3, you're going to be a pointless point anyways.

4. I can no longer watch commercials or look at advertisements the same way, which is interesting but also pretty annoying. I guess I'm learning something from my classes. Mom and Dad should be proud. Example: Tonight I was watching Gossip Girl in the informal with Danielle and Lauren. A Slim Fast commercial came on during the commercial break, and not just any slim fast commercial. This one. Why would you put a middle aged woman trying to sell a weight loss product on during a television show watched by high school and college aged girls? Most of us eat cheetos and qdoba every night, we don't care about the slimfast 3-2-1 plan (or maybe everyone else does and I don't. wamp wamp). Gossip Girl has a new style of trailers though which I really like. They've got a sepia kind of haze and big bold headlines. Me likey.

5. I'm getting selfish. I have started every sentence in this blog with the letter I. But really, I need to do a volunteer project of some sort.

6. I had a really interesting conversation with my research methods professor today. Normally I am not a huge fan of that class. Don't get me wrong, the professor is a very approachable nice guy, I just don't understand those methods well and I hate it when I can't pick up on a concept quickly. We were discussing my topic for my research question (which I should be working on right now) and began talking about social media, smartphones, and generally technology's impact on Gen X versus Gen Y. For instance, how a group of people can be gathered together at a restaurant yet all be talking to other people on their phones rather than engaging in conversation and "living in the present." Or for instance how today the average teenager sends 50-70 texts a day and 7th graders own Blackberrys. We even began discussing the implications of this communication shift in relationships, and how it has contributed to the new "hook-up culture." The average age of marriage for a woman is 28 now. That means that most women probably won't meet their future husband in college and most want to develop their careers and establish themselves professionally before settling down. Therefore they see no reason to settle into serious relationships and instead engage in those kinds that are merely physical -- hence the use of distanced communication like texting rather than calling or talking in person. It was very provoking, definitely gave me something to think about as I walked around campus today.


7. I need to get this whole fall internship thing figured out. My biggest fear is just that I'm not ready. I keep convincing myself I haven't had enough experience -- but I have and I know I can handle a really challenging position. I'm sure you've all read the whole "Our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" psych up pep talk speech and I've gotta go with FDR on this one. The only thing I should be fearing now is fear itself. I need to just send those resumes out. Some will get rejected, I might get an interview and still not get the job, but it's worth a shot. Looking at all of the seniors at the awards banquet tonight made me realize that they went though this same shabang. It's all part of the process. Just have to suck it up. A lot of times I'm just lazy and I forget how good it feels to step up to a challenge and face it head on.


Back to work

Taking my own advice

I feel like I'm definitely sitting at the same place I have been for a while. Actually it's the reason I blog like I've said so many times before. Just trying to define myself. Figure out what makes me and who I want to be.
I had a friend who contacted me about a year ago after I hadn't seen him for quite a while. This is what I wrote him back. I'm a pro at dishing out advice that I find hardest to follow myself:

Just take things one day at a time. enjoy the journey and don't be so worried about the destination. I've made a lot of mistakes and really messed up in the past. But I guess lately I've realized you have to stop looking back and just move forward. You have to do things for yourself and stop worrying about what other people may or may not think because they don't really matter anyway.

I think for a great deal of my life people put me up on a pedestal or expected perfection from me and I hated that. At the same time that didn't mean that I needed to prove my imperfection. I was trying to see myself through their eyes rather than how God sees me. He sees all my flaws, all my human faults and desires and loves me just the same because with him all of those mistakes are erased and forgotten. You just have to remember what he thinks of you, not what the world thinks. and thats a really really hard thing to do.

I'd Rather Be With You

Now that the first week post Spring Break has ended my life is resuming to normality. Last week was ridiculously busy and I had to be motivated even though all I really wanted to do was look through pictures of Jamaica and be home. I was able to go home last weekend for Saturday and Sunday so that was nice, but not nearly long enough.

The Jamaica trip was amazing. I decided to do this trip on a whim. It was something I had thought about since last year but didn't have any plan about going. The deadline for applying passed, but I kept thinking about it and asked my parents if I should see if I could still apply. I was so nervous about going on a trip where I knew virtually no one else. A few girls from my sorority went as well but I wasn't very close to them prior to the trip. Another girl I was on dance team with last year was a veteran on the trip. The two mission trips I had been on before had been with teams from my church and so my dad or best friends were right there with me.

I think this trip may have even been better because it caused me to step outside my comfort zone and get to know other people I may normally have never even met before. It's been a great resource over the past week -- I ended up doing a "Rebuilding the Wall" service project downtown with a group from the YMCA and went to church with a few people from the group as well. You can check out the blogs we wrote during the trip here:
http://www.indymca.org/locations/branch.asp?id=13
you have to scroll down a little bit to find mine.

It's always different coming out of a mission trip. I like to think of it as free falling: The whole week you feel free and alive and like your life really has purpose. Then you have to come home, the equivalent of slamming to the ground. Real life is back, you have to put up with petty issues and attend meaningless classes. My mom has really helped me to remember that there are great ways to help in the community here. I don't just have to be in a foreign country to make a difference or help other people. That's a good perspective to have and something I'm working on.

I just miss Haiti, St. Vincent, and Jamaica. I like everything about the Caribbean (I mean, it's hard to dislike). Don't get me wrong, I hate the poverty. I hate that people are struggling to survive there everyday.
But I love their carefree attitudes.
I love that they have 70 different jobs and one of those probably includes trying to resell you a 50 cent bottle of water for $3.
I love the way they pray and are so passionate about their faith.
I love that they get dressed up like it's Easter Sunday every week for church.
I love the ingenuity of the children and their appreciation for the little that they have.
I love the unconditional love they shower you with. They don't know you or where you came from, but they love you anyways.