A trip down memory lane...

Today was quite interesting.  I went down to BalletMet (you have to capitalize the M...you have to!) and shadowed a friend of mine who works in the marketing and development of the company.  The work he does is really incredible considering all of the different aspects he has to juggle, not to mention the ability to utilize creativity while still keeping everything in order.  I'm not too much closer to targeting what my ideal job is, but I have a feeling it will be more of a journey than a destination :)

One thing that I think some stress too harshly is having an ideal job or the ultimate career goal.  Not saying having goals is a negative thing -- you have to have something that motivates you -- but sometimes when your mind is so focused on one thing you lose sight of what is really important.  You may even miss out on something that was better than what you originally wanted, you know?

Being back at BalletMet is always nice and somewhat melancholy.  Today for some reason I just kept thinking about body image.  Naturally, being in a place where I was constantly critiquing myself and comparing my body to other people brings back this (really sucky) feeling.  

Body image fascinates me in a way.  I would love to be able to travel back through time and see how women in the past viewed themselves.  Did they care as much as we do now?  What about when it was actually beautiful to be more full-figured?  Would a skinny girl actually be the one feeling insecure about herself?  Did they go to great lengths to have younger looking skin or use numerous products to cure a zit?   Were women constantly worrying about breakouts, or was the topic of weight a common conversation amongst them?

Being healthy and participating in a lifestyle that respects your body is important, of course.  But I've gotta say, sometimes trying to look good all the time just gets tiring!  What's even more frustrating is when it's not even making yourself happy.  Whether you're trying to perfect yourself for a sport, the opposite sex, or that little voice inside your head that tells you you're not good enough or pretty enough, it will never be enough.   It can become an idol and take over your life, and for a lot of Americans (girls especially) I think its become a very real issue.  Of course, its a mental thing.  Its something you have to work through, and it will always be a hot topic as long as there are yo-yo diets and Oprah telling us we all have to try her mealplan so we can lose 50 pounds overnight.

The thing is, we are created in God's image.  Sometimes I forget that, "hey I have legs that work and I can see just fine and I've never even been to the hospital."  I'm pretty lucky and that's something I should be thankful for and praise God for keeping me safe instead of complaining about everything I think is wrong.  The truth is, God knit me together in my mother's womb and has a perfect plan for my life.  I'd say that's pretty amazing!  In Natalie Grant's book, she says "Who am I to question the craftsmanship of the Creator of the Universe?"  I say:  tru dat sister.

The Near Death of A Hopeless Romantic

Okay so every year exactly one week from the time we leave for vacation I try to get in shape really fast.  I think it’s a mental thing, like I think that by looking at people that are really in shape or do those pilates videos lead by people who are impossibly ripped I will suddenly drop 10 pounds and have great abs.  Oh if only it were that easy.  I took a boot camp class this morning and I am not impossibly ripped.  My derriere, however, is impossibly sore.

 

Also I check out about 20 books from the library expecting to read them in a week.  I could probably handle that if I wasn’t also watching kids, running away from scary dogs, forcing myself to work out etc.  In the end I only read 5 and end up with a bunch of fines.  I should seriously look into having Columbus Metropolitan Libraries dedicate one of those engraved bricks to me or something of that nature for all of the cashflow they get from my overdue books.

 

I had this grand plan this summer.  I was going to get all deep and philosophical.  I would pretty much memorize the history of every nation EVER and be a political science aficianado.  Then when I got home really none of those things happened.  Rather, I got cats, a nose ring, and read just about every relationship book in the library.  Every girl should read “He’s just not that into you”.  SO eye opening!  Seriously.  Give it a whirl.

 

I feel like I had reached a new level of understanding.  Sure I have had functional relationships in the past, but truthfully in the past year all of my relationships have been dysfunctional or purposeless.  Its not like I think that the next person I flirt with will be “The One” but really the purpose of dating should be to discover qualities in a person to see if firstly, you are compatible, and if not to have realized what you are actually looking for in a guy.  It should be being truthful to yourself, not making excuses for the person in hopes that maybe they will change to be the person you really want them to be, or kidding yourself that what you have is real.  You have to like the person for who they are.  You also have to be honest with yourself, even when you don't want to.

 

It’s also not using someone else as a coping method or because you are lonely.  It’s nice to have someone there for you.  Sometimes life gets lonely or it feels like everyone around you has someone.  And you’re just the sad cat lady with a bag of dove dark chocolates and Season One of Gossip Girl ready to pop into the DVD player.  But you shouldn't settle just because there is some hole in your life that you can't fill (which is usually God anyways to begin with).  Obviously neither of those situations are very healthy!  I’ve learned you’re never going to find someone by sitting on the couch all day playing Sims or whatever (even though an occasional Sims splurge is so much fun).  You have to get out and experience life!  Life isn’t about finding that one person that makes your heart flutter and your head spin and make you want to spend the rest of your life with them.  Because people will always let you down.  Finding that person can only make your life better.  But without loving yourself, who you are, your dreams, the journeys that have brought you where you are today, you can never love life, and never truly find someone to share it with you. 

 

So basically what I’m saying is if you need relationship help, I’m totally your girl.  And if you’re looking for an awkward double date partner, you know I’m always here for you.   But mostly what I’m saying is that this is a really long blog post.  And I am excited to be a Sophomore and to be fun and spontaneous, goofy and intelligent, beautiful and kind, and all of those things that I know I am.  I don’t need anyone to tell me what I am, because I know who I am and I believe it.  And once you do that too, wow life gets better.  But I mean, compliments are always welcome still J

 

 

 

“I am someone who is looking for love.  Real love.  Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love” 

 

The last episode of Sex and the City re-ran on TBS tonight and I couldn’t help but throw that one in.  See!  She had to dump the cool trendy artist man because she knew he wasn’t good for her.  Unfortunately, in most of our lives our “Big” one true always there for us love wouldn’t show up in the hotel shortly after the break up to ease the pain.  Whatever Carrie.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose

Why I'm the Bomb.

I typed a post for today and for some reason it didn't show up.  FML

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This is what shows up when i get on facebook.  Double FML.
So tonight while I was babysitting we were playing frisbee.  An innocent game of a flying plastic disc.  Nothing too wild and crazy.  BUT, I throw the disc too far and suddenly my lack of frisbee skill turns into me "not being fair" and "letting the older sibling win."  The little girl runs into the house crying. The little boy goes to run after her and consequently spills a root beer all over the garage floor, beckoning to ants and critters and the like.
Panicked, I say, "Jackson, go inside and tell your sister that she should have won and it was my fault while I clean up this mess."  Ten minutes later the little girl skips into the garage smiling.  I'm like, oh thank God, this is all fixed.  Then she looks up at me and goes, "Jackson says he wishes you would leave and never wants you to babysit us again."  
Excellent.  I am just flying high.  Luckily, he came down in a little bit and was no longer mad at me.  After humiliating myself by doing the robot in the middle of the neighborhood for them and their friends' mocking pleasure, and buttering them up with gifts of popcorn and apple juice I was raised back into good graces.  Ay yi yi, the things I do for money.  And the approval of children.

Pool Day

This is one of those days when I feel like the whole world is against me.  

SOMETIMES I HATE MY LIFE! only not really.  Meh.

Going to the pool.  Should be fun because I get to lay out and read 1 of my 3 books in progress.  

I feel like I should stop trying to care about politics.  Why do I care?  History is so much better because it already happened and 58079287545 people have already analyzed it so no matter what you think, you can't really be wrong because you're allowed to have your own opinion now that its years and years old.

Also I hope that none of the annoying kids are at the pool.  You know, the ones that stand over you dripping wet when you're trying to read and block out the sun so you get a weird white spot on your legs.  Those are the kind of kids that probably pee in the pool too.

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn

Is just to love, and be loved in return.

I love rainy days like today.  They’re a little reminder that sometimes you need to take some time to relax.  My only problem is that I like to relax a little too much J

 

The girls are being very moody today.  Come on, I used to be a moody preteen (and I’m still moody) but I don’t understand!!  I am trying to be a cool, fun, babysitter.   I offered to have a fashion show.  Who doesn’t love a fashion show?  Thus, I have resorted to reading Harry Potter and folding towels while the girls nap and watch Hercules.  Oh Hercules.  Brings back great memories from the 7^th grade talent show.  I think 5 different groups of girls sang, “I Won’t Say I’m in Love.”  Moving performances.

 

I have really slacked in the blogging this week.  Even when I used to write for school there were just some weeks when I couldn’t come up with much to talk about.  I need some inspiiiiration in my head!

 

Well, last weekend I went over to Leanna’s and D.W.’s for movie and game night.  It was so much fun!  During one game we were playing, a certain comment about a certain orchestra director had us laughing until we cried.  I tried to conjure up my best “and then I found five dollars” stories and we watched Moulin Rouge.

 

I had never seen Moulin Rouge before, and it was truly a beautiful love story.  It was one of those movies that draws you into the story and makes you feel like you’re part of Satine and Christian’s romance.  Then of course at the end you’re like, “Well isn’t that life.  Once everything’s finally going right…” 

 

Anyways, being the hopeless romantic I sometimes am (it’s a chick flick induced illness) I couldn’t help thinking, “Where’s my Ewan McGregor!!  I want a love like that!”   Which, I hope I do find a person that will love me unconditionally, willing to spend life with me wherever it takes us, and wants to be with me more than anything else.  The thing is, there’s already someone who wants to take that role in my life.

 

Just like Christian, God will chase after us no matter how many times we try to run away from him.  And just like Satine, no matter how hard we try to deny it, how much we fight it, he will always be right there waiting for us and loving us, forever (Psalm 136:1).  God doesn’t care where we have been, just like Christian forgave Satine for her past life.  He longed for nothing more than for her just to love him back and spend the rest of her life with him, leaving her past behind (John 8:11). 

 

However, Christian was jealous and he couldn’t help it.  God is the same way, not so much as in the human form of jealousy, but he can’t stand for us to put our minds and worship on anything else.  Light can’t be with darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14).  God should be our only one, our sole motivation deserving of worship and praise.

 

A friend once told me, “Elizabeth, you mean well and every time you falter you try to fix things, but I feel like you take one step forward, give up and take two steps back.”  As discouraging and hurtful as that was to hear, it was something I needed to hear (it was said with love).  I know how I am.  I know I make excuses for myself and many times perform the same action expecting a different result. 

 

“You don’t have to be perfect but the pursuit of godliness will bring you further and further into the mystery.  Like me you can probably expect to take two steps forward and one step back.  It’s normal, and you can’t let it deflate you.  Life isn’t about forward movement.  It ebbs and it flows.  You are not abnormal in that fact.  Just take heart in the fact that we are all in this together.”  -Hayley DiMarco

 

This was very encouraging to me.  I feel like I have been moving forward and I am in a very good place right now, but I realize that there is truly no moment of “arrival.”  Life never stops.  I am never going to “peak” or achieve the perfect life, there will always be the mountaintop moments and the valleys.  At East 91^st a really amazing woman gave me this verse, and it is what helps me persevere and stop living in the past so I can enjoy the journey and look towards the future.

 

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

          -1 Corinthians 10:13

The Worlds a Stage

Okay I lied...IT'S GREAT EVERYTHING :)!

I am loving the show so far and the cast is absolutely amazing.  I feel like every night the show strengthens.  I never stop laughing at Duke and King, Huck's voice and acting is great, Jim is wonderful...yesh I could go on and on.  But bottom line:  I love showtime.  This weekend has been so much fun and I feel so fortunate to be a part of it.

Right now I feel reassured about everything.  So much of the past few years have been spent uncertain.  You know, the whole adolescent thing, becoming who you are supposed to be and shaping who you are for the rest of your life.  I really worried I wasn't doing the right thing by quitting dance, or going to Butler, or even by chance decisions like nannying this summer or joining the musical.  The lesson I keep learning over and over again is that no matter what you do, as long as you do it to the fullest and best of your ability you will gain something from it.  Pretty obvious, I know.  It smacks me in the face everytime because I doubt...when really I just need to trust :)

If I hadn't stopped dancing I wouldn't realize how much joy and happiness it brings me.

If I hadn't gone to Butler I would have never met my unconditional, reliable, goofy best friends.

If I hadn't taken the nannying job I wouldn't have gotten to share the amazing and hilarious times with the girls.

If I hadn't done the musical I would have missed out on spending some time with some awesome people and forgotten what it feels like to be on stage.  Which is one of the very best feelings in the world.

Oh Muddy Watersssssssssssssssssss

So the musical is this weekend and I'm really excited :D  It's not great dancing or great singing or great acting, but it's so much fun and I love being on stage.  I missed it a lot more than I'm willing to admit.  Only I guess I'm admitting it now...yeah whatever.

I'm being really mean today.  Its a case of the mean reds (see Breakfast at Tiffany's for details).  It's just one of those days, you know?

Me and the girls made a Michael Jackson brownie memorial cake today and decorated it with umbrellas.  It was Kaysi's idea, because he always carried umbrellas to protect his skin.  I love those girls.  They keep me from thinking too much.  They're always doing something.  For some reason when you get old you just want to sit around and do nothing.  I mean seriously, I can just sit around doing pretty much nothing or napping, for way longer than should be humanly possible.  When did I become old and able to be motionless for long periods of time?

Also I suck at every card game known to man.  I cherish and embrace it.  We can't all be king of euchre and Uno but at least I can juggle...not.

Impatience

You know that movie, "Must Love Dogs?"  Well if I ever have an eHarmony account you know what it's going to say?  Must hate dogs.  Because I hate them.  They're smelly and needy and noisy.  Also let's hope that I never have to resort to an eHarmony account, because I think that can honestly be considered rock bottom.

Abe Lincoln waited 28 years for something good to actually happen in his life.  

The Colonies waited 170 years for liberty

The slaves waited centuries for freedom

Paul was stuck in prison for like 7 years and he didn't even do anything wrong

Vladmir and Estragon waited for Godot for who knows how long

So why can't I wait for anything!  I realize things take time but sometimes I just wish I could have it all right now.  Its not that I don't trust God to provide.  I do, I know he has a plan for me.  But I just want to know what it is right now

Easier said than done, but I just gotta let go and stop trying to make what I want to happen work rather than letting God take control of what is meant to happen.

However, through this proccess I'm starting to realize:

a.  what a jerk I have been to multiple people in the past

b.  why I was always the one to break things off.  whether it be in a relationship, friendship, even with my parents. 

I can't stand it when people get too close and just maybe, they have the power to betray me or break my heart or make me face the truth when I don't want to.

c.  It doesn't really matter what I do at school activity-wise.  I mean honestly, what makes me happy?  Does joining some club that looks good on a resume really benefit me if I don't even like being there?  Shouldn't I be spending time doing something I truly enjoy or that will benefit others?  In high school I jumped into everything I could because...well I don't know why.  I thought more activities meant greater happiness.

Also just for the record I hate chick flicks. And Sex and the City.  They're cheesy and invoke false hope.  

Okay that's a lie.   I love them and am a typical girl.  I don't really love dogs, but I don't hate them either.  I just want something to hate.

Hm

http://video.nytimes.com/video/2009/06/23/opinion/1194841132339/bloggingheads-obama-s-iran-challenge.html

Truth

"Ere I had finished this reply, my soul began to expand, to exult with the strangest sense of freedom, of triumph, I ever felt.  It seemed as if an invisible bond had burst and that I had struggled out into unhoped for liberty."

-Jane Eyre

If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.  But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar, and his word has no place in our lives.

-1 John 1:6-10

Honesty becomes me
theres nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me
in your presence are defused

Pride has no position
and riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me
Has been sentenced to this earth

-DC Talk, In the Light

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

-1 Corinthians 13:6

There is something so completely freeing about just speaking the truth.  The funny thing about it is, most of the time we are so terrified to tell the truth that we can never fully realize how much easier it would be to just let go of the lies that control our lives in the first place.  We tell ourselves lies daily -- these become our insecurities.  We look in the mirror and lie to ourself that what we see back isn't beautiful or thin or worth anyone's time.  We may take something a person says to us, be it joke or serious, and let it marinate in our minds and convince ourselves that we just aren't good enough.

We lie to God, to friends, to people we may not even know.  I love how sometimes I think I'm smart enough to lie to God.  "Okay Elizabeth, small issue here...God sees everything you do!!"  But even when I mess up I just have to be honest with him.  It's easy to sweep it under the rug, pretend like it never happened, and maybe even convince a part of ourselves that whatever it was just never existed.

God will always love you no matter how long it takes you to admit the truth, but people usually don't.  It's easy to spot a liar most of the time.  You know that girl at school that had pin straight hair but swore she never straightened her hair was probably stretching the truth.  That's just a goofy example, but when your repeatedly lie to friends, no matter how much they may love you, they'll eventually see through the act and give up.  Funny how when you just come clean it can completely break that barrier down and renew your relationship in a way you never thought it could.

We lie when we say we are Christians and fail to follow Christ fully and to walk in the light.  Sin happens.  It's life.  But real truth is admitting that fact, rather than trying to act like you have your whole life together.  Of course I don't really think Jesus meant you had to air your dirty laundry in public and humiliate yourself.  But perhaps if you didn't act accordingly in a situation it means stepping back and admitting you were wrong.  It's going up to that friend you ruined your initial witness to and saying, "I am so sorry I acted that way. But I'm human and I mess up my life.  It's only by God's grace I can survive and I hope that I can have another chance to mend what I've done."

1 John 1:10 is so powerful.  If we claimed we have not sinned his word has no place in our lives.  It has no value, no meaning.  The life that we were meant to build on Christ and his word is powerless because it has failed to remain true to one of the functional principles.

When we truly are in the warmth of the light of the  presence of God, there is no more hiding from the truth.  However, there is no more fear either.

Why don't you just go to OSU??

This post is much like my, "You don't know what you want to do with your life?!" blog on my BU page...http://tiny.cc/eCQZH

To be honest with you, I don't really know how I ended up at Butler or why it was my first choice of schools.  I just knew that I didn't want to go to OSU at all costs.  OSU is a great institution and has a lot to offer in certain areas like medicine, but going in as an undecided in a school of 50,000+ is a more than a little scary.

In addition, I like building relationships and sometimes I need a little help with that since I'm not the greatest at it (why am I a PR major again?  That's for another post).  Sometimes I'm a little tactless or need a professor to take as much interest in me as I do in them.  Its nice to have a small class where you really get noticed.  If you're struggling the prof will offer help.  If you're rockin' it you'll get praise...and that's always encouraging :)  

Senior year was just so revealing.  For years I had always planned on dancing without stepping back to think "Is this really what I want to do?  Is this where I see myself in ten years?"  And when I realized that I wasn't meant to dance it was scary but relieving at the same time.

It sounds cheesy and exaggerated, but when we visited Butler it felt like home.  I could see myself living there, going to Starbucks to study on Saturday afternoons, late nights in Irwin, running around the mall, jumping in star fountain.  It seemed like people cared about you.  Which I guess they probably do everywhere on tours, I was just lucky they genuinely do. 

I ask my parents frequently if they think I'm doing the right thing by going to Butler.  I've thought a lot about transferring to a school like Cedarville or moving back closer to home.  But here's the deal:  College is what you'll make of it.  It can be the best experience of your life or destroy you.  Just like anything else, it all depends on how you handle it and making yourself get involved and try to be the best you can be.  So even if I'm gonna have some not-so-fun student loans to pay off in the future, it will all be worth it in the end.

Man in the Mirror

When I was little I always thought the little Michael Jackson and the Old one were two different people.  How does someone go from being black with a fro to a skinny white popstar with long black hair?  Thankfully, E true hollywood story set me straight and it all made sense...kind of.

It's hard to imagine what must have been running through his mind.  It's hard to comprehend 

a.  how someone can be such an innovative musician.  who would have thought of putting all of those random moves together and creating a completely original kind of dance or all of the crazy, imaginative, and purely strange themes of music videos together?

b.  how someone can be so mentally scrambled.  

I guess his life was just full of questions.  Nonetheless, his death made me very sad.  Who knows what might have happened had he lived longer.  Perhaps he would have continued to be the same wacky pedophilic guy.  But maybe he would have changed.  Maybe someone would have helped him figure things out, iron out all of the intense issues wrinkled in the fabric of his life.  Maybe he would have known the name of Jesus.  He was sick and twisted but everyone deserves a second chance.  Maybe he just needed someone there to share God's love.

Rereading "Irresistible Revolution" makes you think about those things.  There are so many people in this world that need God's love and may never truly experience it because we're too comfortable just staying in our own traditional little boxes to take a chance and reach out to someone who has a really messed up life.  Sure, we're not Jesus.  Having that "messiah complex" of wanting to save everyone certainly won't help anyone, but simply showing them Christ's love through one's actions can speak volumes.  It's so easy to let my emotions dominate my mood.  Like feeling crappy gives me the right to treat everyone else badly.  Yet, someone's salvation seems a lot more important that me allowing myself to be a diva.  We all can't travel halfway across the world to make a difference in the lives of those around us, but we can give up everything we have just by letting God take control of our lives and acting like Jesus would.

It's not always easy to change, but everyone deserves a second chance

Sex. No big deal

So I'm sitting here watching Sex and the City.  It's immoral and trashy and whatever.  I don't care, I love it.  It's fascinating!  Living in New York in an amazing apartment with not a care in the world besides wearing hot shoes and going on dates with great looking guys so you can write a weekly column for a mediocre newspaper and then somehow become famous through a book that's essentially an autobiography of your love life.  It's ridiculously unrealistic.

The only problem is it gives completely unrealistic expectations (about a career in journalism because face it, noone respects someone who writes about sex) about love.  You can't just have sex with someone and make them fall in love with you -- it just doesn't happen.  You can't have that Carrie Bradshaw cute, coy, R-rated Audrey Hepburn personality and attract men and sleep with them and then suddenly be in perfect love! Obviously people know this...I think.

I mean really.  Sex is EVERYWHERE.  A few years ago church moms raged about how inappropriate Abercrombie ads were, banning their children from shopping there because girls were shown half-clothed and the traditional 6-pack abs featured in the mens jeans ad led to lower and lower waistlines...I guess it was bad but it didn't seem like such a big deal.  Now?  I can't flip through a Marie Claire without running into half-naked women all over the pages.  Cosmo, that's typical, but my Marie?!?!!  Oi.  And for clothing ads.  How much sense does that make?  Let's advertise our clothing by showing naked people everywhere, because somehow people think they'll be in shape by buying our clothes.  Yeah I've tried that one and let me just say thighs don't get slimmer by buying expensive jeans.  People don't think you're sexier either.

Like back to the underwear thing.  You can wear Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy" Underwear, but when you're a sweaty hot mess at the Y sporting those undies they don't make you're smelly butt any sexier.  Or like sephora lip gloss.  You spot a cute guy from across the room and brush on a little bit of the "Chic Sexy Jungle" lipstick because you know, he'll probably notice when you get up to purposelessly walk past him hoping he'll notice you.  It happens to smear over your front teeth.  You shamelessly flash him a red-toothed smile....Definitely sexy.

Anyways.  Sex.

Its just such a contradiction in society.  Kids are scared of sex because of teenage pregnancies.  Or at least parents try to scare them out of it using the threats of disease and babies.  Naturally you always want to do the things your parents say are bad.  Encouraging this are cheers from all sides -- clothing companies, magazines, tv shows, movies -- to be sexy and have sex and be great at sex.  The thing is, a lot of these media brainwashers are aimed at an older demographic that could be married and therefore have the right to do it whenever they please, or are adults and "responsible" and what have you.  But kids don't understand that.  They think somehow they're being left out or there's something wrong with them because they're not having sex.  And if they do then certainly they'll meet that someone and fall in love, and have a great job and a great apartment and life will just fall into place.  

And then they have sex and get herpes.  or babies.  or maybe just have their heart broken.  That's something they never advertise in Planned Parenthood brochures or explain to middle school health classes.

Life's just not fair in so many ways.  Sex is supposed to be such a beautiful wonderful thing, but its morphed into a "product."  It's something we fear.  It's an act people take on a daily basis and twist into a perverted crime.  It's just an everyday activity you can participate in if you're bored or if you just have an urge.  It's okay to take from people and give away yourself just because you "feel like it."

  If you're supposed to wait until you're married to have sex then why does the world make it so hard to wait?  Isn't it supposed to be one of those "about the journey not the destination" things where you're so in love that it's just the icing on the cake?  I know the answers to these questions, they're just food for thought.  

Renewal

The past two weeks have been so packed!  I hardly have time to breathe...okay thats a wee bit of an overstatement :)  When I'm not busy nannying, at rehearsal or at church I'm usually at the Y or playing Sims 3 so I can't complain.  It's been a great few weeks of summer and being home has truly brought me a joy and peace I have longed for.

The two little girls I nanny are simply fabulous.  They are so strong and flexible for their age and show a kind of love that I hope I can learn to show to people.  Their father had to have emergency surgery last week, and though they were scared for him they trusted God that he would be okay and come home in good health.  When I leave the house in the evenings after watching them they hug me for a good 5+ minutes and tell me they love me.  It's such a good feeling to have people that love you no matter what, that think you're amazing even if you're not the best and greatest success in the world, and just like you for who you are.  You don't find many of those in life and I'm lucky enough to have two awesome ones.

It's nice to be with family too.  My mom and I have always been close and even through the disagreements we've had we always strengthen our relationship through the process.  I've been really blessed to spend some time with her while home, laughing, crying, watching High School Musicals;  doing everyday things together that I normally take for granted.  Will is Mr. Athleticism and never ceases to amaze me with all of his talent.  I just hope that he has the perseverance to follow through with his gifts and hone his talents even if others tell him that he can't do it.  My dad is an abyss of knowledge.  Just when I think I've stumped him with a question he answers without skipping a beat. I don't know if abyss is a good word...basically he has endless knowledge, and more importantly, wisdom.  He has had a variety of life experiences and learned from them rather than letting them get the best of him.  He is my role model.

In the past month and a half of being home things have changed in my life.  I feel my heart softening.  The parts hardened by hurt, alcohol, disappointment, relationships, failure, have melted and been cleaned away, refilled with the overflowing warmth of God's love.  Although I wish this feeling could last, I know it won't.  I know that I will face all of those things again in some point at my life.  But at that moment, when I feel that sin, the freezing pain or heartbreak I just want to remember this moment and how it feels and to know that I can have this love in the joy and in the sorrow.  I try to control things.  I say, "Oh, things are good now!  I'm feeling good life's great... I'm just gonna do my own thing for a while and it will all stay the same."  That's when it gets bad.  I can't do life on my own and I'm really starting to believe that.

I love these lyrics from the Brandom Heath song "Trust You"

I'm not gonna fight You anymore
I'm not gonna try to lock the door
You took Your life and gave me Yours
There's no reason why 
I shouldn't trust You with mine

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Disappointment

Remember when you were little and you would get excited over the tiniest things?  I remember not being able to go to sleep the day before the first day of school.  I imagined the adorable outfit I had picked out to wear with the perfect matching shoes.  My multicolored folders sat snugly in my backpack waiting to be filled with important documents.  I was sure to make at least ten new friends the next day on the playground, and maybe I would even have a teacher that took special interest in me like in that Matilda movie.  

Of course the next day would come.  I would spill milk on my brand new shirt at breakfast.  We wouldn't get any important papers at at school except for the pointless parent signature sheets.  I would hang out with my friends from the year before, quietly standing in the corner of the playground avoiding the monkey bars at all costs.  My teacher would just be your average Hilliard City School employee.  Except for my First Grade teacher, none really ever took interest in me.

This is a little cynical, yes there were those exciting days, those moments that completely lived up to their potential.  But if you think about it, when you're younger you have such high expectations and over the years they gradually lower and fall.  When I was little, if I didn't have a huge production of a birthday party I would be crushed.  Today I didn't really expect to do anything except go to church and sleep.  When I was little I would spend weeks making a list of all the things I wanted for my birthday, including a swimming pool in the backyard where I could train my pet dolphin.  I asked for a kitten this birthday and was overjoyed to actually receive that gift among many other nice things from my family.

The point is this;  as we grow older we begin to expect less so as to not be disappointed.  For me, I have learned that people aren't always reliable.  Just two years ago I would be crushed if I made plans for myself and friends and they would back out on me at the last minute.  I would think, "Well they must just not like me," or "I must not be worth their time."  So, I began to trust people less.  I expected less of them so that if they were to falter I wouldn't have my heart broken.  

I've found that I am important and I am worth peoples' time.  The people that matter the most to me are the ones that are willing to spend that time and keep their promises, and the ones that don't aren't really my friends.  I've gotten into the habit of expecting less, when I should expect nothing less than the best because when I do I become one of the unreliable, uncaring people.  I become careless and cynical.  Just because others have become hardened doesn't mean the  rest of us must follow suit.  So, I hope that when I stroll across the yard tomorrow to watch my girls for the day I give them the best day they could possible hope for.  Sure, the job might not be an internship with CASA or a 9-5 workday down at Balletmet, but its where I am and where I belong.  It would be wrong of me to disappoint the girls and why waste a perfectly wonderful day when I can be having fun right along with them?

“Circumstances are the rulers of the weak; they are but the instruments of the wise.”

Samuel Lover

Under where?

So tonight at rehearsal I think I picked at least 10 wedgies.  I feel really bad for Joy Rybinski who stands behind me during the "Arkansas" dance in Big River...movement + my underwear of choice for the evening were not compatible.  Being the lady that I am I have lots of different types of underwear in all styles and colors that I have accumulated over the years.  Of course I have my favorites, the ones that I curse the day they were made, and ones that bring me luck.

Boyshorts:  I would say they are probably the comfiest underwear around.  Think about it:  you can never get a bad wedgie, they stick to your body and don't go rogue like bikinis can, and are usually adorned with cute lace or bow embellishments.  Garmet Grade=A+

Bikinis:  Typical.  Cute ones with prints and whatnot can boost your confidence.  I don't know why.  I mean most people who aren't taking off their clothes never show their underwear so its not a matter of being confident in apparel people can see.  I guess its just a psychological thing.  The only problem with these is that if you have a sizeable derriere it can lead to a serious threat of wedge potential.  Choose wisely, mes amis.  Garmet Grade=B.  B- for ones with a too-small butt.

Thongs:  After the first experience you have with them in 8-10th grade they're probably pointless. I feel like its a rite of passage.  At that tender pubescent age you have to secretly sneak buying one behind your mom's back, and reluctantly hand them to the cashier with an embarrassed blush.  But they're really of no use.  Some people like them for wearing on an everyday basis, but I feel like I pay attention to the fact that I have a piece up string running up my crack and it's distracting.  I'll be sitting in class trying to take notes on conglomerates, "Time Warner, Sony, should have worn real underwear, GE, Vivendi, WHO INVENTED THESE THINGS?!"  thats the train of thought.  They're probably useful in other situations...but practically are not sensible and are especially unbecoming when visible above the tops of jeans.  Sorry Lil' Kim.  Garmet Grade=D

Jeweled Undies:  Victoria's Secret boomed in sales when it was created in 2004.  Leslie Wexner's grand idea of marketing overpriced undies and pj's to teenage girls who are willing to pay ungodly amounts on a brand in order to look cool while sleeping ended up bringing in $300 milli the first year.  Not bad, Limited.  Though I criticize, I own a fair amount of these goods myself. I think my most interesting and prized pair have huge block rhinestone letters all over the back of them.  Seriously?  I mean they're cute but that makes no sense.  I can't wear them with some shorts because you can read the stones through the material.  Besides, who wants to sit on stones all day?  I still don't really understand the whole capri sweatpant idea.  Yes, I wear them but like the whole bottom half of your legs are still cold.  However, the jewels yeah I don't get it.  If I wanted letters imprinted on my butt I would go get a tattoo.  Garmet Grade=C

Academic Undies:  These are the best underwear ever created.  If one runs into these panties...buy them no matter what the cost.  My personal favorites are my number undewear from Aerie.  They are red boy-style underwear with colored numbers all over them.  Statistics show that I performed a great deal better on my math tests whenever these underwear were worn during the test.  Many a morning Abby would find me digging through my pile of clothes in my chair looking for these (they were clean don't worry, i threw all my laundered clothes in the chair to be folded later).  I also have a VS Pink pair with french writing on the back that I have faith will help in future french classes.  Give it a shot.  I have yet to find newsprint ones.

The American Dream

I took a class in eleventh grade called American Literature:  The Pursuit of the American Dream.  The poor teacher...it was her first year teaching, and of course the angelic Darby students didn't exactly give her the easiest of time.  So really I didn't learn a whole lot.  I'm still trying to figure out that the "american dream" is.  Yes, you can write a 9 page essay on a topic and continue to have no idea what it essentially is.

Sonia Sotomayor was nominated to the Supreme Court by the President today.  The Vice President described her story as "incredible" and "summing up the american dream."  Sotomayor is truly a living rags-to -riches story.  It is encouraging to see that out of an impoverished an potentially hopeless situation she rose above and achieved a position even the wealthiest Americans envy.

Opthalmologist Steve Blaydes of the renowned Blaydes Clinic was born into money.  His father was famous for the development of modern-day cataract surgery and travelled the country speaking on his work.  Steve attended Princeton and graduated with a degree in Political Science.  After a year in Washington, Steve realized he was not happy in politics.  After volunteering in the medical field he decided to return to school to obtain his M.D. and work for his family's practice.  Today he is a hard-working individual who genuinely cares for each and every one of his patients and lives a quiet life with his family in a small town in Virginia.

My own father came from an immigrant household.  His father's family had immigrated from China shortly before his father was born.  His mother met my grandfather when he was stationed in Germany.  She was an orphan and returned to the states with dad's dad.  They divorced when he was a teenager, and dad had to deal with a torn family and cultural divides at a young age.  He went on to attend a community college, eventually going to VCU and Virginia Tech for his Ph.D. in Chemistry.  He is one of the most talented, intelligent individuals I know.  He works hard for our family who lives a comfortable, but not lavish lifestyle.  He hates his job.

What is the American Dream?  Is it coming from having nothing and poverty to immense riches and power?  Is it following in the footsteps of your family?  Is it working hard for no gain?  

When I think about the American Dream in terms of my own life...women are still pigeon-holed into the 1950's mentality of "I have to find a husband and have children.  Then my life will be fufilled."  Of course there are plenty of women who don't take this route and prove that there is freedom with lifestyle choice in today's society.  But the norm is still:

a.  Focus on looking good to attract men

b.  Attract man and charm him with wit and humor

c.  Marry man

d.  Have children

e.  Raise children.  Repeat

Sometimes I just don't know if that's what the American Dream is all about.

Judgement

"Do not judge or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eve?"

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eve and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7

"For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it."

John 12:47

When will legalism and personal judgement be erased from the church?  Christians are called to be Christlike.  To follow the ways of Christ and strive to be like him, not to make their own rules and show disdain on those that do not live up to those standards.  Maybe Shane Claiborne is onto something....

Of little significance

I miss blogging for school...or rather I miss blogging and I think I'll enjoy it more now writing about things I enjoy.  Or perhaps things I think are funny, and of course random chance events that I hope to remember.  I'll probably post some of my older blogs that I actually took some time and thought to produce on here eventually.  I figured I should go ahead and get something started in order to document the summer, random projects, work and whatever else life throws at me.  Besides the fact that Doug is the bomb and I am trying to copy his fab idea :)  Hopefully I'll be able to hold myself to all of the plans I have for the upcoming year...I suppose whoever reads this -- along with my conscience -- will be able to scold me if I don't.

I have many thoughts to process including soccer moms, welfare, "the irresistable revolution," fitzgerald, adolescence, relationships, and underwear.  Just taking some mental (and physical too) notes for the future.  But this post will be a premise of sorts for my summer and personal growth and where I'm hoping to go.  I like to be goofy and serious.  One of my good friends in particular is a master of transitioning from light conversation to deep thought (and not the ones by Jack Handey) at the drop of a hat.  This blog might end up being like that or it might not.  In other words, I have no idea where I'm really going with this.

This past weekend was a great revival for me.  I went back to a leadership seminar I attended as a sophomore in High School to work and help out behind the scenes.  Friends of mine were running the seminar for the weekend and it was of equal or greater caliber to the program I went through three years ago.  The basic idea of HOBY -- Hugh O'Brein Youth Leadership, you'd be surprised how many kids coming there have no idea who Hugh O'Brien is-- is to show the future generations not what to think, but how to think.  Too often in life we are handed the "answers" to difficult questions on a silver platter, whether by a politician, parent, or person we respect.  We swallow them whole rather than taking the time and effort to form our own opinions.  I do it everyday, and you do too whether you admit it or not.  Yet much like the creed of the seminar, the manner in which we think is what needs to be changed.  

The past year has been unhinged and difficult and wildly fun yet complex.  Being on your own for the first time in one's life is an experience unlike any other.  Its difficult to decipher between the actions you take because they are truly what you desire and those decisions made because of the influence of peers.  Political Science class was a perfect example.  My passionately Obama-devoted left-leaning professor was not afraid to make his opinion loud and clear.  This could be traces of bittnerness leaking from the wound of not being offered tenure, but that's besides the point.  I was raised in a very conservative household, but didn't want to limit my view.  I wanted to give different ideas a chance.  I mean I guess that's what college is for, its pretty much the only time in your life when you can still be confused about everything and get away with it.  But what did that mean?  Did I eat up the professor's words and digest them into my own doctrine?  Could I do that yet still hold onto my own beliefs?  What is the ultimate truth?

The old cliche holds true, "If you don't stand for anything you will fall for everything."  There's nothing scarier than roaming around the gray area of uncertainty.  Sometimes its a place you have to be though, because if you don't go there you'll never reason what is truth, never be able to fully believe something because you know from research and analysis that it is true.  As a sophomore I don't think I was fully mature enough to understand HOBY.  Of course I had a blast doing the cheers and grasped the concepts of the motivational speakers about being your own person, doing what you love and are passionate about despite criticism or doubt you may encounter.  But now I realize that the Orwellian concept of mindless living is all too easy to fall into when one goes through the routine of life with no focus.  My challenge for myself this summer is to find focus and truth.  Figure out why I do the things I do.  Obviously I probably won't have it all solved :) and I'll probably do some more stupid things.  But I hope to get a little smarter before I got back off to Indy as a big bad sophomore.