Monday, February 15, 2010


DISCLAIMER: this post is very long and disjointed. pick through at your own risk
k so...we're going to try this whole blogging thing again.

It's just like almost anything I do. I try it for a while, take a break, then miss it. So I come back and try it again. Maybe not something I want future employers to see, but it's the way I work.
I really miss blogging. I keep a personal journal (and truthfully, even with that I am not as in depth and persistent as I'd like to be) but it's not really the same. With blogging it's nice to know that maybe someone really wants to know about your life, and maybe they're feeling the exact same things you are.

Wow so it's been since the summertime. I don't even know where to begin. Actually, when I look back on last semester I feel like I didn't grow. There isn't too much to say about it. As much as I regret that, I appreciate it for what it was. It was all building up to second semester, the present, and the weeks and months to come. Even though I made some pretty phenomenal mistakes last year, I think I was more confused than ever the first semester of this year. I almost feel like even though I'm in the same grade as my peers, I'm not 20 years old. I'm 18. I just became an adult. I should be a freshman in college right now, free of responsibility, still feeling my way around. . .but I'm not. That's weird.

What's even more strange is that I had never felt that way before. All though middle and high school my age and maturity level matched my grade. In fact, I was usually a little more sophisticated than those in my grade. I guess I knew that I was confused about most of the aspects of my life since around 11th grade, but it didn't really slap me in the face until the end of first semester.

I just can't go on being two different people. The primary realization I've come to is that I don't have to "look a certain way." Not physically really, but I guess I have these different kinds of model people in my head. This is going to be super cheesy so feel free to mock, but it's almost like I have these wax figures in my head of how different people are

creepy right? though I wouldn't mind being Beyonce

A social girl is thin, pretty, great hair, great clothes, loved by all of the guys, envied by all of the girls she knows (but they're still all her best friends right?), drinks (sometimes to the point of sloppiness but its forgiven), known by everyone who matters, and the life of the party.

A christian girl is quiet, well mannered, dressed conservatively, always carries her bible, never makes a dirty joke or a "that's what she said," doesn't ever wonder what the guy in her English class looks like with his shirt off, and doesn't go out.

A serious student doesn't miss class, always answers the teacher's questions, does all of the extra credit, takes excessive notes, and is never late.

A lazy butt skips class, sleeps in, doesn't try (doesn't care), isn't responsible, watches TV all day, and complains that everything wrong that happens in their life is someone else's fault

I have absolutely shocking news. Unfortunately, I fit none of these categories. None of them. I can say that I have tried (usually extremely unsuccessfully) every single one of them and, well, none of them work. I'm not happy trying to be any of these things. I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel happy. I don't feel like it's where I'm supposed to be.

Which is why my own New Year's Resolution is also earth-shattering: I'm going to try and just be me. That's right Ladies and Gentleman, no walking the tight rope or juggling the swords. Not even eating fire. I'm just going to try and be me, and I think it's going to be a lot harder than anything Barnum and Bailey do.

One of the hardest things to pinpoint is where the "real me" went in the first place. Did I lose her in high school? Did she stay hidden in a cardboard box in the garage when I went to college? Maybe she fell out of my pocket when I went home for the summer? Or is it different than that? Is the real me who I am right now, or do I have to change? How will I know I have arrived at "the real me?"

It's like I said in my last post. It's all a journey and maybe there really is no "arrival." Here is what I do know for sure. I don't like what I've been and I don't like what I've done. I do like where I am now. So I'm going to try my hardest to keep being this person, and striving to be even more real and stop trying to act in a way that makes other happy or seemingly gains their approval.

With that being said, I deserve better than what I settle for. Abby's roommate has a great poster in her room that says, "We accept the love we think we deserve." I'm not really talking about romantic love because that's pretty much irrelevant in my life, but I think a lot of times I don't try for something because I'm afraid of not receiving it. Also not an earth-shattering revelation, but it really really sucks trying for something and not getting it. I'm tired of trying to be the best at things I am just not physically good at. BUT, I can't let those disappointments stop me from trying new things.

So I'll apply for internships I probably won't get. I'll search for jobs I won't be offered and try anyways. Because I could sit here on my butt and wonder why I'm not doing anything, or I could at least give it a shot and hope for the best.