The Near Death of A Hopeless Romantic

Okay so every year exactly one week from the time we leave for vacation I try to get in shape really fast.  I think it’s a mental thing, like I think that by looking at people that are really in shape or do those pilates videos lead by people who are impossibly ripped I will suddenly drop 10 pounds and have great abs.  Oh if only it were that easy.  I took a boot camp class this morning and I am not impossibly ripped.  My derriere, however, is impossibly sore.

 

Also I check out about 20 books from the library expecting to read them in a week.  I could probably handle that if I wasn’t also watching kids, running away from scary dogs, forcing myself to work out etc.  In the end I only read 5 and end up with a bunch of fines.  I should seriously look into having Columbus Metropolitan Libraries dedicate one of those engraved bricks to me or something of that nature for all of the cashflow they get from my overdue books.

 

I had this grand plan this summer.  I was going to get all deep and philosophical.  I would pretty much memorize the history of every nation EVER and be a political science aficianado.  Then when I got home really none of those things happened.  Rather, I got cats, a nose ring, and read just about every relationship book in the library.  Every girl should read “He’s just not that into you”.  SO eye opening!  Seriously.  Give it a whirl.

 

I feel like I had reached a new level of understanding.  Sure I have had functional relationships in the past, but truthfully in the past year all of my relationships have been dysfunctional or purposeless.  Its not like I think that the next person I flirt with will be “The One” but really the purpose of dating should be to discover qualities in a person to see if firstly, you are compatible, and if not to have realized what you are actually looking for in a guy.  It should be being truthful to yourself, not making excuses for the person in hopes that maybe they will change to be the person you really want them to be, or kidding yourself that what you have is real.  You have to like the person for who they are.  You also have to be honest with yourself, even when you don't want to.

 

It’s also not using someone else as a coping method or because you are lonely.  It’s nice to have someone there for you.  Sometimes life gets lonely or it feels like everyone around you has someone.  And you’re just the sad cat lady with a bag of dove dark chocolates and Season One of Gossip Girl ready to pop into the DVD player.  But you shouldn't settle just because there is some hole in your life that you can't fill (which is usually God anyways to begin with).  Obviously neither of those situations are very healthy!  I’ve learned you’re never going to find someone by sitting on the couch all day playing Sims or whatever (even though an occasional Sims splurge is so much fun).  You have to get out and experience life!  Life isn’t about finding that one person that makes your heart flutter and your head spin and make you want to spend the rest of your life with them.  Because people will always let you down.  Finding that person can only make your life better.  But without loving yourself, who you are, your dreams, the journeys that have brought you where you are today, you can never love life, and never truly find someone to share it with you. 

 

So basically what I’m saying is if you need relationship help, I’m totally your girl.  And if you’re looking for an awkward double date partner, you know I’m always here for you.   But mostly what I’m saying is that this is a really long blog post.  And I am excited to be a Sophomore and to be fun and spontaneous, goofy and intelligent, beautiful and kind, and all of those things that I know I am.  I don’t need anyone to tell me what I am, because I know who I am and I believe it.  And once you do that too, wow life gets better.  But I mean, compliments are always welcome still J

 

 

 

“I am someone who is looking for love.  Real love.  Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love” 

 

The last episode of Sex and the City re-ran on TBS tonight and I couldn’t help but throw that one in.  See!  She had to dump the cool trendy artist man because she knew he wasn’t good for her.  Unfortunately, in most of our lives our “Big” one true always there for us love wouldn’t show up in the hotel shortly after the break up to ease the pain.  Whatever Carrie.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose

Why I'm the Bomb.

I typed a post for today and for some reason it didn't show up.  FML

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This is what shows up when i get on facebook.  Double FML.
So tonight while I was babysitting we were playing frisbee.  An innocent game of a flying plastic disc.  Nothing too wild and crazy.  BUT, I throw the disc too far and suddenly my lack of frisbee skill turns into me "not being fair" and "letting the older sibling win."  The little girl runs into the house crying. The little boy goes to run after her and consequently spills a root beer all over the garage floor, beckoning to ants and critters and the like.
Panicked, I say, "Jackson, go inside and tell your sister that she should have won and it was my fault while I clean up this mess."  Ten minutes later the little girl skips into the garage smiling.  I'm like, oh thank God, this is all fixed.  Then she looks up at me and goes, "Jackson says he wishes you would leave and never wants you to babysit us again."  
Excellent.  I am just flying high.  Luckily, he came down in a little bit and was no longer mad at me.  After humiliating myself by doing the robot in the middle of the neighborhood for them and their friends' mocking pleasure, and buttering them up with gifts of popcorn and apple juice I was raised back into good graces.  Ay yi yi, the things I do for money.  And the approval of children.

Pool Day

This is one of those days when I feel like the whole world is against me.  

SOMETIMES I HATE MY LIFE! only not really.  Meh.

Going to the pool.  Should be fun because I get to lay out and read 1 of my 3 books in progress.  

I feel like I should stop trying to care about politics.  Why do I care?  History is so much better because it already happened and 58079287545 people have already analyzed it so no matter what you think, you can't really be wrong because you're allowed to have your own opinion now that its years and years old.

Also I hope that none of the annoying kids are at the pool.  You know, the ones that stand over you dripping wet when you're trying to read and block out the sun so you get a weird white spot on your legs.  Those are the kind of kids that probably pee in the pool too.

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn

Is just to love, and be loved in return.

I love rainy days like today.  They’re a little reminder that sometimes you need to take some time to relax.  My only problem is that I like to relax a little too much J

 

The girls are being very moody today.  Come on, I used to be a moody preteen (and I’m still moody) but I don’t understand!!  I am trying to be a cool, fun, babysitter.   I offered to have a fashion show.  Who doesn’t love a fashion show?  Thus, I have resorted to reading Harry Potter and folding towels while the girls nap and watch Hercules.  Oh Hercules.  Brings back great memories from the 7^th grade talent show.  I think 5 different groups of girls sang, “I Won’t Say I’m in Love.”  Moving performances.

 

I have really slacked in the blogging this week.  Even when I used to write for school there were just some weeks when I couldn’t come up with much to talk about.  I need some inspiiiiration in my head!

 

Well, last weekend I went over to Leanna’s and D.W.’s for movie and game night.  It was so much fun!  During one game we were playing, a certain comment about a certain orchestra director had us laughing until we cried.  I tried to conjure up my best “and then I found five dollars” stories and we watched Moulin Rouge.

 

I had never seen Moulin Rouge before, and it was truly a beautiful love story.  It was one of those movies that draws you into the story and makes you feel like you’re part of Satine and Christian’s romance.  Then of course at the end you’re like, “Well isn’t that life.  Once everything’s finally going right…” 

 

Anyways, being the hopeless romantic I sometimes am (it’s a chick flick induced illness) I couldn’t help thinking, “Where’s my Ewan McGregor!!  I want a love like that!”   Which, I hope I do find a person that will love me unconditionally, willing to spend life with me wherever it takes us, and wants to be with me more than anything else.  The thing is, there’s already someone who wants to take that role in my life.

 

Just like Christian, God will chase after us no matter how many times we try to run away from him.  And just like Satine, no matter how hard we try to deny it, how much we fight it, he will always be right there waiting for us and loving us, forever (Psalm 136:1).  God doesn’t care where we have been, just like Christian forgave Satine for her past life.  He longed for nothing more than for her just to love him back and spend the rest of her life with him, leaving her past behind (John 8:11). 

 

However, Christian was jealous and he couldn’t help it.  God is the same way, not so much as in the human form of jealousy, but he can’t stand for us to put our minds and worship on anything else.  Light can’t be with darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14).  God should be our only one, our sole motivation deserving of worship and praise.

 

A friend once told me, “Elizabeth, you mean well and every time you falter you try to fix things, but I feel like you take one step forward, give up and take two steps back.”  As discouraging and hurtful as that was to hear, it was something I needed to hear (it was said with love).  I know how I am.  I know I make excuses for myself and many times perform the same action expecting a different result. 

 

“You don’t have to be perfect but the pursuit of godliness will bring you further and further into the mystery.  Like me you can probably expect to take two steps forward and one step back.  It’s normal, and you can’t let it deflate you.  Life isn’t about forward movement.  It ebbs and it flows.  You are not abnormal in that fact.  Just take heart in the fact that we are all in this together.”  -Hayley DiMarco

 

This was very encouraging to me.  I feel like I have been moving forward and I am in a very good place right now, but I realize that there is truly no moment of “arrival.”  Life never stops.  I am never going to “peak” or achieve the perfect life, there will always be the mountaintop moments and the valleys.  At East 91^st a really amazing woman gave me this verse, and it is what helps me persevere and stop living in the past so I can enjoy the journey and look towards the future.

 

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

          -1 Corinthians 10:13

The Worlds a Stage

Okay I lied...IT'S GREAT EVERYTHING :)!

I am loving the show so far and the cast is absolutely amazing.  I feel like every night the show strengthens.  I never stop laughing at Duke and King, Huck's voice and acting is great, Jim is wonderful...yesh I could go on and on.  But bottom line:  I love showtime.  This weekend has been so much fun and I feel so fortunate to be a part of it.

Right now I feel reassured about everything.  So much of the past few years have been spent uncertain.  You know, the whole adolescent thing, becoming who you are supposed to be and shaping who you are for the rest of your life.  I really worried I wasn't doing the right thing by quitting dance, or going to Butler, or even by chance decisions like nannying this summer or joining the musical.  The lesson I keep learning over and over again is that no matter what you do, as long as you do it to the fullest and best of your ability you will gain something from it.  Pretty obvious, I know.  It smacks me in the face everytime because I doubt...when really I just need to trust :)

If I hadn't stopped dancing I wouldn't realize how much joy and happiness it brings me.

If I hadn't gone to Butler I would have never met my unconditional, reliable, goofy best friends.

If I hadn't taken the nannying job I wouldn't have gotten to share the amazing and hilarious times with the girls.

If I hadn't done the musical I would have missed out on spending some time with some awesome people and forgotten what it feels like to be on stage.  Which is one of the very best feelings in the world.

Oh Muddy Watersssssssssssssssssss

So the musical is this weekend and I'm really excited :D  It's not great dancing or great singing or great acting, but it's so much fun and I love being on stage.  I missed it a lot more than I'm willing to admit.  Only I guess I'm admitting it now...yeah whatever.

I'm being really mean today.  Its a case of the mean reds (see Breakfast at Tiffany's for details).  It's just one of those days, you know?

Me and the girls made a Michael Jackson brownie memorial cake today and decorated it with umbrellas.  It was Kaysi's idea, because he always carried umbrellas to protect his skin.  I love those girls.  They keep me from thinking too much.  They're always doing something.  For some reason when you get old you just want to sit around and do nothing.  I mean seriously, I can just sit around doing pretty much nothing or napping, for way longer than should be humanly possible.  When did I become old and able to be motionless for long periods of time?

Also I suck at every card game known to man.  I cherish and embrace it.  We can't all be king of euchre and Uno but at least I can juggle...not.

Impatience

You know that movie, "Must Love Dogs?"  Well if I ever have an eHarmony account you know what it's going to say?  Must hate dogs.  Because I hate them.  They're smelly and needy and noisy.  Also let's hope that I never have to resort to an eHarmony account, because I think that can honestly be considered rock bottom.

Abe Lincoln waited 28 years for something good to actually happen in his life.  

The Colonies waited 170 years for liberty

The slaves waited centuries for freedom

Paul was stuck in prison for like 7 years and he didn't even do anything wrong

Vladmir and Estragon waited for Godot for who knows how long

So why can't I wait for anything!  I realize things take time but sometimes I just wish I could have it all right now.  Its not that I don't trust God to provide.  I do, I know he has a plan for me.  But I just want to know what it is right now

Easier said than done, but I just gotta let go and stop trying to make what I want to happen work rather than letting God take control of what is meant to happen.

However, through this proccess I'm starting to realize:

a.  what a jerk I have been to multiple people in the past

b.  why I was always the one to break things off.  whether it be in a relationship, friendship, even with my parents. 

I can't stand it when people get too close and just maybe, they have the power to betray me or break my heart or make me face the truth when I don't want to.

c.  It doesn't really matter what I do at school activity-wise.  I mean honestly, what makes me happy?  Does joining some club that looks good on a resume really benefit me if I don't even like being there?  Shouldn't I be spending time doing something I truly enjoy or that will benefit others?  In high school I jumped into everything I could because...well I don't know why.  I thought more activities meant greater happiness.

Also just for the record I hate chick flicks. And Sex and the City.  They're cheesy and invoke false hope.  

Okay that's a lie.   I love them and am a typical girl.  I don't really love dogs, but I don't hate them either.  I just want something to hate.

Hm

http://video.nytimes.com/video/2009/06/23/opinion/1194841132339/bloggingheads-obama-s-iran-challenge.html

Truth

"Ere I had finished this reply, my soul began to expand, to exult with the strangest sense of freedom, of triumph, I ever felt.  It seemed as if an invisible bond had burst and that I had struggled out into unhoped for liberty."

-Jane Eyre

If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.  But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar, and his word has no place in our lives.

-1 John 1:6-10

Honesty becomes me
theres nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me
in your presence are defused

Pride has no position
and riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me
Has been sentenced to this earth

-DC Talk, In the Light

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

-1 Corinthians 13:6

There is something so completely freeing about just speaking the truth.  The funny thing about it is, most of the time we are so terrified to tell the truth that we can never fully realize how much easier it would be to just let go of the lies that control our lives in the first place.  We tell ourselves lies daily -- these become our insecurities.  We look in the mirror and lie to ourself that what we see back isn't beautiful or thin or worth anyone's time.  We may take something a person says to us, be it joke or serious, and let it marinate in our minds and convince ourselves that we just aren't good enough.

We lie to God, to friends, to people we may not even know.  I love how sometimes I think I'm smart enough to lie to God.  "Okay Elizabeth, small issue here...God sees everything you do!!"  But even when I mess up I just have to be honest with him.  It's easy to sweep it under the rug, pretend like it never happened, and maybe even convince a part of ourselves that whatever it was just never existed.

God will always love you no matter how long it takes you to admit the truth, but people usually don't.  It's easy to spot a liar most of the time.  You know that girl at school that had pin straight hair but swore she never straightened her hair was probably stretching the truth.  That's just a goofy example, but when your repeatedly lie to friends, no matter how much they may love you, they'll eventually see through the act and give up.  Funny how when you just come clean it can completely break that barrier down and renew your relationship in a way you never thought it could.

We lie when we say we are Christians and fail to follow Christ fully and to walk in the light.  Sin happens.  It's life.  But real truth is admitting that fact, rather than trying to act like you have your whole life together.  Of course I don't really think Jesus meant you had to air your dirty laundry in public and humiliate yourself.  But perhaps if you didn't act accordingly in a situation it means stepping back and admitting you were wrong.  It's going up to that friend you ruined your initial witness to and saying, "I am so sorry I acted that way. But I'm human and I mess up my life.  It's only by God's grace I can survive and I hope that I can have another chance to mend what I've done."

1 John 1:10 is so powerful.  If we claimed we have not sinned his word has no place in our lives.  It has no value, no meaning.  The life that we were meant to build on Christ and his word is powerless because it has failed to remain true to one of the functional principles.

When we truly are in the warmth of the light of the  presence of God, there is no more hiding from the truth.  However, there is no more fear either.