Why don't you just go to OSU??

This post is much like my, "You don't know what you want to do with your life?!" blog on my BU page...http://tiny.cc/eCQZH

To be honest with you, I don't really know how I ended up at Butler or why it was my first choice of schools.  I just knew that I didn't want to go to OSU at all costs.  OSU is a great institution and has a lot to offer in certain areas like medicine, but going in as an undecided in a school of 50,000+ is a more than a little scary.

In addition, I like building relationships and sometimes I need a little help with that since I'm not the greatest at it (why am I a PR major again?  That's for another post).  Sometimes I'm a little tactless or need a professor to take as much interest in me as I do in them.  Its nice to have a small class where you really get noticed.  If you're struggling the prof will offer help.  If you're rockin' it you'll get praise...and that's always encouraging :)  

Senior year was just so revealing.  For years I had always planned on dancing without stepping back to think "Is this really what I want to do?  Is this where I see myself in ten years?"  And when I realized that I wasn't meant to dance it was scary but relieving at the same time.

It sounds cheesy and exaggerated, but when we visited Butler it felt like home.  I could see myself living there, going to Starbucks to study on Saturday afternoons, late nights in Irwin, running around the mall, jumping in star fountain.  It seemed like people cared about you.  Which I guess they probably do everywhere on tours, I was just lucky they genuinely do. 

I ask my parents frequently if they think I'm doing the right thing by going to Butler.  I've thought a lot about transferring to a school like Cedarville or moving back closer to home.  But here's the deal:  College is what you'll make of it.  It can be the best experience of your life or destroy you.  Just like anything else, it all depends on how you handle it and making yourself get involved and try to be the best you can be.  So even if I'm gonna have some not-so-fun student loans to pay off in the future, it will all be worth it in the end.

Man in the Mirror

When I was little I always thought the little Michael Jackson and the Old one were two different people.  How does someone go from being black with a fro to a skinny white popstar with long black hair?  Thankfully, E true hollywood story set me straight and it all made sense...kind of.

It's hard to imagine what must have been running through his mind.  It's hard to comprehend 

a.  how someone can be such an innovative musician.  who would have thought of putting all of those random moves together and creating a completely original kind of dance or all of the crazy, imaginative, and purely strange themes of music videos together?

b.  how someone can be so mentally scrambled.  

I guess his life was just full of questions.  Nonetheless, his death made me very sad.  Who knows what might have happened had he lived longer.  Perhaps he would have continued to be the same wacky pedophilic guy.  But maybe he would have changed.  Maybe someone would have helped him figure things out, iron out all of the intense issues wrinkled in the fabric of his life.  Maybe he would have known the name of Jesus.  He was sick and twisted but everyone deserves a second chance.  Maybe he just needed someone there to share God's love.

Rereading "Irresistible Revolution" makes you think about those things.  There are so many people in this world that need God's love and may never truly experience it because we're too comfortable just staying in our own traditional little boxes to take a chance and reach out to someone who has a really messed up life.  Sure, we're not Jesus.  Having that "messiah complex" of wanting to save everyone certainly won't help anyone, but simply showing them Christ's love through one's actions can speak volumes.  It's so easy to let my emotions dominate my mood.  Like feeling crappy gives me the right to treat everyone else badly.  Yet, someone's salvation seems a lot more important that me allowing myself to be a diva.  We all can't travel halfway across the world to make a difference in the lives of those around us, but we can give up everything we have just by letting God take control of our lives and acting like Jesus would.

It's not always easy to change, but everyone deserves a second chance

Sex. No big deal

So I'm sitting here watching Sex and the City.  It's immoral and trashy and whatever.  I don't care, I love it.  It's fascinating!  Living in New York in an amazing apartment with not a care in the world besides wearing hot shoes and going on dates with great looking guys so you can write a weekly column for a mediocre newspaper and then somehow become famous through a book that's essentially an autobiography of your love life.  It's ridiculously unrealistic.

The only problem is it gives completely unrealistic expectations (about a career in journalism because face it, noone respects someone who writes about sex) about love.  You can't just have sex with someone and make them fall in love with you -- it just doesn't happen.  You can't have that Carrie Bradshaw cute, coy, R-rated Audrey Hepburn personality and attract men and sleep with them and then suddenly be in perfect love! Obviously people know this...I think.

I mean really.  Sex is EVERYWHERE.  A few years ago church moms raged about how inappropriate Abercrombie ads were, banning their children from shopping there because girls were shown half-clothed and the traditional 6-pack abs featured in the mens jeans ad led to lower and lower waistlines...I guess it was bad but it didn't seem like such a big deal.  Now?  I can't flip through a Marie Claire without running into half-naked women all over the pages.  Cosmo, that's typical, but my Marie?!?!!  Oi.  And for clothing ads.  How much sense does that make?  Let's advertise our clothing by showing naked people everywhere, because somehow people think they'll be in shape by buying our clothes.  Yeah I've tried that one and let me just say thighs don't get slimmer by buying expensive jeans.  People don't think you're sexier either.

Like back to the underwear thing.  You can wear Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy" Underwear, but when you're a sweaty hot mess at the Y sporting those undies they don't make you're smelly butt any sexier.  Or like sephora lip gloss.  You spot a cute guy from across the room and brush on a little bit of the "Chic Sexy Jungle" lipstick because you know, he'll probably notice when you get up to purposelessly walk past him hoping he'll notice you.  It happens to smear over your front teeth.  You shamelessly flash him a red-toothed smile....Definitely sexy.

Anyways.  Sex.

Its just such a contradiction in society.  Kids are scared of sex because of teenage pregnancies.  Or at least parents try to scare them out of it using the threats of disease and babies.  Naturally you always want to do the things your parents say are bad.  Encouraging this are cheers from all sides -- clothing companies, magazines, tv shows, movies -- to be sexy and have sex and be great at sex.  The thing is, a lot of these media brainwashers are aimed at an older demographic that could be married and therefore have the right to do it whenever they please, or are adults and "responsible" and what have you.  But kids don't understand that.  They think somehow they're being left out or there's something wrong with them because they're not having sex.  And if they do then certainly they'll meet that someone and fall in love, and have a great job and a great apartment and life will just fall into place.  

And then they have sex and get herpes.  or babies.  or maybe just have their heart broken.  That's something they never advertise in Planned Parenthood brochures or explain to middle school health classes.

Life's just not fair in so many ways.  Sex is supposed to be such a beautiful wonderful thing, but its morphed into a "product."  It's something we fear.  It's an act people take on a daily basis and twist into a perverted crime.  It's just an everyday activity you can participate in if you're bored or if you just have an urge.  It's okay to take from people and give away yourself just because you "feel like it."

  If you're supposed to wait until you're married to have sex then why does the world make it so hard to wait?  Isn't it supposed to be one of those "about the journey not the destination" things where you're so in love that it's just the icing on the cake?  I know the answers to these questions, they're just food for thought.  

Renewal

The past two weeks have been so packed!  I hardly have time to breathe...okay thats a wee bit of an overstatement :)  When I'm not busy nannying, at rehearsal or at church I'm usually at the Y or playing Sims 3 so I can't complain.  It's been a great few weeks of summer and being home has truly brought me a joy and peace I have longed for.

The two little girls I nanny are simply fabulous.  They are so strong and flexible for their age and show a kind of love that I hope I can learn to show to people.  Their father had to have emergency surgery last week, and though they were scared for him they trusted God that he would be okay and come home in good health.  When I leave the house in the evenings after watching them they hug me for a good 5+ minutes and tell me they love me.  It's such a good feeling to have people that love you no matter what, that think you're amazing even if you're not the best and greatest success in the world, and just like you for who you are.  You don't find many of those in life and I'm lucky enough to have two awesome ones.

It's nice to be with family too.  My mom and I have always been close and even through the disagreements we've had we always strengthen our relationship through the process.  I've been really blessed to spend some time with her while home, laughing, crying, watching High School Musicals;  doing everyday things together that I normally take for granted.  Will is Mr. Athleticism and never ceases to amaze me with all of his talent.  I just hope that he has the perseverance to follow through with his gifts and hone his talents even if others tell him that he can't do it.  My dad is an abyss of knowledge.  Just when I think I've stumped him with a question he answers without skipping a beat. I don't know if abyss is a good word...basically he has endless knowledge, and more importantly, wisdom.  He has had a variety of life experiences and learned from them rather than letting them get the best of him.  He is my role model.

In the past month and a half of being home things have changed in my life.  I feel my heart softening.  The parts hardened by hurt, alcohol, disappointment, relationships, failure, have melted and been cleaned away, refilled with the overflowing warmth of God's love.  Although I wish this feeling could last, I know it won't.  I know that I will face all of those things again in some point at my life.  But at that moment, when I feel that sin, the freezing pain or heartbreak I just want to remember this moment and how it feels and to know that I can have this love in the joy and in the sorrow.  I try to control things.  I say, "Oh, things are good now!  I'm feeling good life's great... I'm just gonna do my own thing for a while and it will all stay the same."  That's when it gets bad.  I can't do life on my own and I'm really starting to believe that.

I love these lyrics from the Brandom Heath song "Trust You"

I'm not gonna fight You anymore
I'm not gonna try to lock the door
You took Your life and gave me Yours
There's no reason why 
I shouldn't trust You with mine

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Disappointment

Remember when you were little and you would get excited over the tiniest things?  I remember not being able to go to sleep the day before the first day of school.  I imagined the adorable outfit I had picked out to wear with the perfect matching shoes.  My multicolored folders sat snugly in my backpack waiting to be filled with important documents.  I was sure to make at least ten new friends the next day on the playground, and maybe I would even have a teacher that took special interest in me like in that Matilda movie.  

Of course the next day would come.  I would spill milk on my brand new shirt at breakfast.  We wouldn't get any important papers at at school except for the pointless parent signature sheets.  I would hang out with my friends from the year before, quietly standing in the corner of the playground avoiding the monkey bars at all costs.  My teacher would just be your average Hilliard City School employee.  Except for my First Grade teacher, none really ever took interest in me.

This is a little cynical, yes there were those exciting days, those moments that completely lived up to their potential.  But if you think about it, when you're younger you have such high expectations and over the years they gradually lower and fall.  When I was little, if I didn't have a huge production of a birthday party I would be crushed.  Today I didn't really expect to do anything except go to church and sleep.  When I was little I would spend weeks making a list of all the things I wanted for my birthday, including a swimming pool in the backyard where I could train my pet dolphin.  I asked for a kitten this birthday and was overjoyed to actually receive that gift among many other nice things from my family.

The point is this;  as we grow older we begin to expect less so as to not be disappointed.  For me, I have learned that people aren't always reliable.  Just two years ago I would be crushed if I made plans for myself and friends and they would back out on me at the last minute.  I would think, "Well they must just not like me," or "I must not be worth their time."  So, I began to trust people less.  I expected less of them so that if they were to falter I wouldn't have my heart broken.  

I've found that I am important and I am worth peoples' time.  The people that matter the most to me are the ones that are willing to spend that time and keep their promises, and the ones that don't aren't really my friends.  I've gotten into the habit of expecting less, when I should expect nothing less than the best because when I do I become one of the unreliable, uncaring people.  I become careless and cynical.  Just because others have become hardened doesn't mean the  rest of us must follow suit.  So, I hope that when I stroll across the yard tomorrow to watch my girls for the day I give them the best day they could possible hope for.  Sure, the job might not be an internship with CASA or a 9-5 workday down at Balletmet, but its where I am and where I belong.  It would be wrong of me to disappoint the girls and why waste a perfectly wonderful day when I can be having fun right along with them?

“Circumstances are the rulers of the weak; they are but the instruments of the wise.”

Samuel Lover

Under where?

So tonight at rehearsal I think I picked at least 10 wedgies.  I feel really bad for Joy Rybinski who stands behind me during the "Arkansas" dance in Big River...movement + my underwear of choice for the evening were not compatible.  Being the lady that I am I have lots of different types of underwear in all styles and colors that I have accumulated over the years.  Of course I have my favorites, the ones that I curse the day they were made, and ones that bring me luck.

Boyshorts:  I would say they are probably the comfiest underwear around.  Think about it:  you can never get a bad wedgie, they stick to your body and don't go rogue like bikinis can, and are usually adorned with cute lace or bow embellishments.  Garmet Grade=A+

Bikinis:  Typical.  Cute ones with prints and whatnot can boost your confidence.  I don't know why.  I mean most people who aren't taking off their clothes never show their underwear so its not a matter of being confident in apparel people can see.  I guess its just a psychological thing.  The only problem with these is that if you have a sizeable derriere it can lead to a serious threat of wedge potential.  Choose wisely, mes amis.  Garmet Grade=B.  B- for ones with a too-small butt.

Thongs:  After the first experience you have with them in 8-10th grade they're probably pointless. I feel like its a rite of passage.  At that tender pubescent age you have to secretly sneak buying one behind your mom's back, and reluctantly hand them to the cashier with an embarrassed blush.  But they're really of no use.  Some people like them for wearing on an everyday basis, but I feel like I pay attention to the fact that I have a piece up string running up my crack and it's distracting.  I'll be sitting in class trying to take notes on conglomerates, "Time Warner, Sony, should have worn real underwear, GE, Vivendi, WHO INVENTED THESE THINGS?!"  thats the train of thought.  They're probably useful in other situations...but practically are not sensible and are especially unbecoming when visible above the tops of jeans.  Sorry Lil' Kim.  Garmet Grade=D

Jeweled Undies:  Victoria's Secret boomed in sales when it was created in 2004.  Leslie Wexner's grand idea of marketing overpriced undies and pj's to teenage girls who are willing to pay ungodly amounts on a brand in order to look cool while sleeping ended up bringing in $300 milli the first year.  Not bad, Limited.  Though I criticize, I own a fair amount of these goods myself. I think my most interesting and prized pair have huge block rhinestone letters all over the back of them.  Seriously?  I mean they're cute but that makes no sense.  I can't wear them with some shorts because you can read the stones through the material.  Besides, who wants to sit on stones all day?  I still don't really understand the whole capri sweatpant idea.  Yes, I wear them but like the whole bottom half of your legs are still cold.  However, the jewels yeah I don't get it.  If I wanted letters imprinted on my butt I would go get a tattoo.  Garmet Grade=C

Academic Undies:  These are the best underwear ever created.  If one runs into these panties...buy them no matter what the cost.  My personal favorites are my number undewear from Aerie.  They are red boy-style underwear with colored numbers all over them.  Statistics show that I performed a great deal better on my math tests whenever these underwear were worn during the test.  Many a morning Abby would find me digging through my pile of clothes in my chair looking for these (they were clean don't worry, i threw all my laundered clothes in the chair to be folded later).  I also have a VS Pink pair with french writing on the back that I have faith will help in future french classes.  Give it a shot.  I have yet to find newsprint ones.