The two little girls I nanny are simply fabulous. They are so strong and flexible for their age and show a kind of love that I hope I can learn to show to people. Their father had to have emergency surgery last week, and though they were scared for him they trusted God that he would be okay and come home in good health. When I leave the house in the evenings after watching them they hug me for a good 5+ minutes and tell me they love me. It's such a good feeling to have people that love you no matter what, that think you're amazing even if you're not the best and greatest success in the world, and just like you for who you are. You don't find many of those in life and I'm lucky enough to have two awesome ones.
It's nice to be with family too. My mom and I have always been close and even through the disagreements we've had we always strengthen our relationship through the process. I've been really blessed to spend some time with her while home, laughing, crying, watching High School Musicals; doing everyday things together that I normally take for granted. Will is Mr. Athleticism and never ceases to amaze me with all of his talent. I just hope that he has the perseverance to follow through with his gifts and hone his talents even if others tell him that he can't do it. My dad is an abyss of knowledge. Just when I think I've stumped him with a question he answers without skipping a beat. I don't know if abyss is a good word...basically he has endless knowledge, and more importantly, wisdom. He has had a variety of life experiences and learned from them rather than letting them get the best of him. He is my role model.
In the past month and a half of being home things have changed in my life. I feel my heart softening. The parts hardened by hurt, alcohol, disappointment, relationships, failure, have melted and been cleaned away, refilled with the overflowing warmth of God's love. Although I wish this feeling could last, I know it won't. I know that I will face all of those things again in some point at my life. But at that moment, when I feel that sin, the freezing pain or heartbreak I just want to remember this moment and how it feels and to know that I can have this love in the joy and in the sorrow. I try to control things. I say, "Oh, things are good now! I'm feeling good life's great... I'm just gonna do my own thing for a while and it will all stay the same." That's when it gets bad. I can't do life on my own and I'm really starting to believe that.
I love these lyrics from the Brandom Heath song "Trust You"
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
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