Under where?

So tonight at rehearsal I think I picked at least 10 wedgies.  I feel really bad for Joy Rybinski who stands behind me during the "Arkansas" dance in Big River...movement + my underwear of choice for the evening were not compatible.  Being the lady that I am I have lots of different types of underwear in all styles and colors that I have accumulated over the years.  Of course I have my favorites, the ones that I curse the day they were made, and ones that bring me luck.

Boyshorts:  I would say they are probably the comfiest underwear around.  Think about it:  you can never get a bad wedgie, they stick to your body and don't go rogue like bikinis can, and are usually adorned with cute lace or bow embellishments.  Garmet Grade=A+

Bikinis:  Typical.  Cute ones with prints and whatnot can boost your confidence.  I don't know why.  I mean most people who aren't taking off their clothes never show their underwear so its not a matter of being confident in apparel people can see.  I guess its just a psychological thing.  The only problem with these is that if you have a sizeable derriere it can lead to a serious threat of wedge potential.  Choose wisely, mes amis.  Garmet Grade=B.  B- for ones with a too-small butt.

Thongs:  After the first experience you have with them in 8-10th grade they're probably pointless. I feel like its a rite of passage.  At that tender pubescent age you have to secretly sneak buying one behind your mom's back, and reluctantly hand them to the cashier with an embarrassed blush.  But they're really of no use.  Some people like them for wearing on an everyday basis, but I feel like I pay attention to the fact that I have a piece up string running up my crack and it's distracting.  I'll be sitting in class trying to take notes on conglomerates, "Time Warner, Sony, should have worn real underwear, GE, Vivendi, WHO INVENTED THESE THINGS?!"  thats the train of thought.  They're probably useful in other situations...but practically are not sensible and are especially unbecoming when visible above the tops of jeans.  Sorry Lil' Kim.  Garmet Grade=D

Jeweled Undies:  Victoria's Secret boomed in sales when it was created in 2004.  Leslie Wexner's grand idea of marketing overpriced undies and pj's to teenage girls who are willing to pay ungodly amounts on a brand in order to look cool while sleeping ended up bringing in $300 milli the first year.  Not bad, Limited.  Though I criticize, I own a fair amount of these goods myself. I think my most interesting and prized pair have huge block rhinestone letters all over the back of them.  Seriously?  I mean they're cute but that makes no sense.  I can't wear them with some shorts because you can read the stones through the material.  Besides, who wants to sit on stones all day?  I still don't really understand the whole capri sweatpant idea.  Yes, I wear them but like the whole bottom half of your legs are still cold.  However, the jewels yeah I don't get it.  If I wanted letters imprinted on my butt I would go get a tattoo.  Garmet Grade=C

Academic Undies:  These are the best underwear ever created.  If one runs into these panties...buy them no matter what the cost.  My personal favorites are my number undewear from Aerie.  They are red boy-style underwear with colored numbers all over them.  Statistics show that I performed a great deal better on my math tests whenever these underwear were worn during the test.  Many a morning Abby would find me digging through my pile of clothes in my chair looking for these (they were clean don't worry, i threw all my laundered clothes in the chair to be folded later).  I also have a VS Pink pair with french writing on the back that I have faith will help in future french classes.  Give it a shot.  I have yet to find newsprint ones.